I woke up as usual this morning around 5:30 at the request of my cats to feed them. This time, it wasn’t so very hard to get up because I did not feel the overwhelming sleepiness that I usually feel when I have to get up to feed them. After I fed them, I started not to even go back to bed because I was not sleepy even though I had stayed up very late last night. But I decided to go back to bed since I didn’t think 4 hours of sleep enough.
I soon drifted off to sleep to my surprise and as I was lightly sleeping, I heard the sounds of my cat Dagny running around all over the house from one end to the other and he’s so heavy he sounds like a horse. It seemed like he was doing this forever, but as I heard him in the background, I was also lightly sleeping and those sounds became the sounds of Kaitlyn running around the house playing, jumping in my bed like she used to do to excitedly talk to me. She was so happy and looked to be around 8 years old.
As dreams sometimes do weird things, we were somehow all of a sudden transformed outside on a warm sunny day at my mother-in-law’s house and Kaitlyn still appearing to be 8 years old. The sprinkler was running and Kaitlyn was having fun running in and out of the sprinkling water just having a wonderful time. She was wearing a green shirt and yellow shorts. I remember those clothes well.
All of a sudden the playing stopped and she ran to me as I was kneeling down watching her, her hair in a messy pony tail due to all her playing, her hair, skin, and clothes damp from the sprinkler. She ran into my arms and we hugged so tightly, and it was not the little hugs one gets sometimes, it was a full on neck to neck, our arms around each other tight hug. She was crying so hard and I started crying too. She said, “Oh momma, I’m so sorry, but I tried so very hard, so very hard, but I couldn’t stay. I hope so much that I gave you happiness and that I didn’t disappoint you.” She was crying so hard. Still holding each other, my hand touching the back of her hair, I told her, “Kaitlyn you gave me the most happiness in the world and I could never be disappointed in you, never.” We were still hugging each other full on when I woke up. I can still feel her hair and her damp little body. And I cried and cried as I woke up remembering the feel of her in my arms and the hurt in her voice that she had to leave. As I lay there now awake, I whispered out loud as I cried, “Thank you Kaitlyn for coming to see me again. Please never stop even though it makes me cry.”
I need her so much all the time, but in my darkest hours sometimes she comes.