Kaitlyn Had to Tell Me Something

I woke up as usual this morning around 5:30 at the request of my cats to feed them. This time, it wasn’t so very hard to get up because I did not feel the overwhelming sleepiness that I usually feel when I have to get up to feed them. After I fed them, I started not to even go back to bed because I was not sleepy even though I had stayed up very late last night. But I decided to go back to bed since I didn’t think 4 hours of sleep enough.

I soon drifted off to sleep to my surprise and as I was lightly sleeping, I heard the sounds of my cat Dagny running around all over the house from one end to the other and he’s so heavy he sounds like a horse. It seemed like he was doing this forever, but as I heard him in the background, I was also lightly sleeping and those sounds became the sounds of Kaitlyn running around the house playing, jumping in my bed like she used to do to excitedly talk to me. She was so happy and looked to be around 8 years old.

As dreams sometimes do weird things, we were somehow all of a sudden transformed outside on a warm sunny day at my mother-in-law’s house and Kaitlyn still appearing to be 8 years old. The sprinkler was running and Kaitlyn was having fun running in and out of the sprinkling water just having a wonderful time. She was wearing a green shirt and yellow shorts. I remember those clothes well.

All of a sudden the playing stopped and she ran to me as I was kneeling down watching her, her hair in a messy pony tail due to all her playing, her hair, skin, and clothes damp from the sprinkler. She ran into my arms and we hugged so tightly, and it was not the little hugs one gets sometimes, it was a full on neck to neck, our arms around each other tight hug. She was crying so hard and I started crying too. She said, “Oh momma, I’m so sorry, but I tried so very hard, so very hard, but I couldn’t stay. I hope so much that I gave you happiness and that I didn’t disappoint you.” She was crying so hard. Still holding each other, my hand touching the back of her hair, I told her, “Kaitlyn you gave me the most happiness in the world and I could never be disappointed in you, never.” We were still hugging each other full on when I woke up. I can still feel her hair and her damp little body. And I cried and cried as I woke up remembering the feel of her in my arms and the hurt in her voice that she had to leave. As I lay there now awake, I whispered out loud as I cried, “Thank you Kaitlyn for coming to see me again. Please never stop even though it makes me cry.”

I need her so much all the time, but in my darkest hours sometimes she comes.

bicycle

About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to Kaitlyn Had to Tell Me Something

  1. lhabedank says:

    what an AMAZING gift that dream is… i’m so glad you had that visit from her. sending you lots of love, Rhonda.

    Like

  2. That dream made me cry, too.

    Like

  3. gatito2 says:

    It was, and it was so real. I can feel her and hear her words so clearly. I’m thankful for that.

    Like

  4. gatito2 says:

    I’m sorry it made your cry. All of this is just so sad, but I’m so glad that she talked to me.

    Like

  5. Gemma says:

    Lovely visit xox we just KNOW the difference between dreams and visits.

    Like

  6. gatito2 says:

    You are right.

    Like

  7. I J L says:

    This cut me to the core. Some days the only thing that keeps me from hurting myself is the thought of how *disappointed* my parents would be. Even though they wouldn’t be disappointed, they’d be devastated and broken, what truly frightens me is the idea that I would disappoint them. Every day in the depths of my depression I hate myself more for somehow disappointing them (even when they tell me they aren’t disappointed at all). I can’t explain it…

    As painful as it must be, I’m so happy that you’re able to see her this way. Your beautifully vivid writing makes it seem so real. It probably brings Kaitlyn a great deal of peace to know that she’s so deeply loved, even from far away.

    Like

  8. jmgoyder says:

    That is so beautiful – painful but beautiful.

    Like

  9. Lee Ann says:

    Gut wrenching to read, but a beautiful gift. I most definitely agree that she knew you needed a sign from her, and this was it.

    Like

  10. gatito2 says:

    I am very devastated and broken at having lost Kaitlyn just like your parents would be if you ever did that. But I never have, or ever will be disappointed in her. She could not help being so dreadfully sad.

    It was wonderful being with her in my dream. I know it was really her. The dream was so vivid. I hope she is at peace, and she is so deeply loved. I always told her I love her bigger than the universe, and I do.

    Thank you for your nice comments.

    Like

  11. gatito2 says:

    It was so beautiful to experience.

    Like

  12. gatito2 says:

    I sure did need it, very badly and she knew. She always knew me so very well.

    Like

  13. Rhonda – An amazing dream and oh how they can feel so real. Each year as the holidays approach I look for something, any shread of hope, to hang on to. I so identify with your husband working all the time. I became a raging workaholic. It was nothing unusual for me to work 80+ hours at the office each week and still take home a bulging brief case each night and work at the dining room table. We all have our own way of getting through this hell on earth.

    Like

  14. gatito2 says:

    Oh how I wish I could drown myself in my work! I quit my job and although I am going back part time next month, I’m scared. I’m scared I won’t be able to think, that I will cry in front of everyone and my patients. I have to interact with so many people. But I must try. I have to be self sufficient and earn a living even though my husband is working, we never know what tomorrow will bring. I really learned that lesson.

    Like

  15. Rhonda, I understand. Do you have something you can use as a touchstone. The years I worked in DC I was headquartered out of Walter Reed Army Medical Center. On days when I was having a tough time I’d do my best to make it to one of the chapel’s.

    Like

  16. I cried frequently at work last year, but I always managed to avoid doing it directly in front of other people (except for the principal of my school – I would go into her office with her and shut the door and start sobbing. She would cry too.) I think that as hard as this will be, you’ll find that being busy at work is a good distraction. I still cry in the car on the way to and from work and I still cry at work (but I always manage to escape for a few minutes for that purpose). I’m sure that some people think that the natural color of my eyes is red.

    Like

  17. gatito2 says:

    No, I’m still kinda mad at Him. I’ve not gone to church since Kaitlyn died. But I will….one day…it’s just taking a while.

    Like

  18. gatito2 says:

    Maybe I can dodge a public display of crying too. I really hate crying in front of people. Not because I might be seen as weak or something, I don’t care about that…but crying to me is private thing and I hate to break down in front of people like that.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s