Kaitlyn, I got your daddy to take me to see Catching Fire, part 2 of The Hunger Games. Remember you gave me the first video and we really liked it? I know you read all 3 books, I’ve read 2 so far. You died just after I got finished reading book 2 and this movie is book 2. It was really good Kaitlyn, you would have liked it so much. As you know, it’s about a dystopian society and it is bleak, but it is such a good movie because it speaks of hope for the human condition. Though hope is what you lost, I think you fought to keep it for a long time.
There was a particularly moving part when Katniss was speaking about her friend Rue that died in the first movie and she was speaking to district 11. These words remind me of you:
“”But I feel as if I did know Rue, and she’ll always be with me. Everything beautiful brings her to mind. I see her in the yellow flowers that grow in the Meadow by my house. I see her in the Mockingjays that sing in the trees. But most of all, I see her in my sister, Prim.”
— Suzanne Collins (Catching Fire (The Hunger Games, #2))
But most important of all in this speech I cannot find the exact quote but to paraphrase it, it went something like this: “It’s not the number of years you live, but the number of lives you touch.” And Kaitlyn, you touched so many.
I watched this movie for us. I love you.
My Bright Shining Star 
What does one say after reading something like this? I wish I had some adequate words but I’m at a loss. Love, Paulette
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Just thank you for reading it is enough.
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I do not believe that she lost hope…because hope could also mean she had enough to leave this world of troubles and trials to go on to the next…..now that is hope. I have had to rethink “hope” since Brandon left. I have had to rethink many things and I am certain from reading all of your posts that this is how it is for you now.
I took my granddaughters to see the movie last Friday. It was very bleak as you say and I wondered throughout the movie if they would instill a suicide into the story (as I have not been reading the books) …so many movies and tv programs have caught me off guard with sudden suicides. I think they do it as a dramatic effect that seems to glorify the act as a choice…as a way out…when I believe for those with depression….it is a way “to”…..that is my hope for them and all of us…that this is not our home and we are going to another place of wonder and perfection. xo
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I know what you mean. I was basing what I said about losing hope because when someone is suicidal they loss hope for ever feeling better. I know my daughter thought she would never, ever feel better and rather than live a life like she stated she lived, she chose to die. She did use the world “choice” in her last note to us. But being suicidal from depression distorts you thought processes so you think that the “choice” makes sense. When in reality, it’s depression making you make that choice. Kaitlyn had all the hope in the world as far as the future she had and she could have done most anything she wanted and was well on her way. But what she wrote was, “…..but all I ever really wanted was to feel like not existing would be preferable to living the life I have lived, and that has never been true.” Depression sucks all the hope out of someone, no matter what they have. I know, it has sucked the hope out of me many, many times. I don’t think my daughter was thinking she was on a way “to” something when she took her life, because depression wiped out that mindset. She just no longer wanted to exist. And that is completely losing hope.
We try to make sense out of these things don’t we? I know I am so guilty of this. There must be someone to blame; I must have not done something right, I must have not seen what I should have seen, that boyfriend years ago must have done something and so on and so forth until it drives my mind crazy. But in the end, it is DEPRESSION that killed my baby. I get so down and out at her loss that I post things like “she killed herself” like I did the other day. It helps to get these feelings out. But I know depression and the horrible helplessness, hopelessness, and bleakness is what killed my daughter. It just used her hand to do it.
Thank you so much for your comments. I value them.
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I am glad you have something…a note even though it did not give you all the answers it gave you a peek into her thinking. My son used art…a picture of a young man’s soul rising from his body on the hospital bed where an IV hangs…the bed is in the clouds with shadowy figures of many people in the distant background…and his hand is outstretched to a beautiful angel (I perceive her to be) dressed in a long black cloak (no wings) and a beam of bright light is shining down upon them. For me, it speaks volumes of what he was thinking….at the very bottom of the picture though there is a caption, “It’s too late.” Those words haunt me and will forever. He also had another picture drawn and posted on the wall, of him standing in the middle of a room and a demon shadow is coming out of the corner…at the top he wrote, “I am nothing.”…..and that is so very far from the truth.He was successful, intelligent, creative, and much loved and made us so proud. I know that was his depression talking. There were many other outside influences that put him over the edge that I know were factors in his death….all of them together made a mighty sword. I feel that while Brandon was single at home he was safe but once he was in his very destructive marriage there was no longer anyone who cared like we do. I won’t go into all the details here.
I have gone back as far as the womb to search for whatever I may have done to cause him to be this way. He comes from a family that has had its share of alcoholics (both grandfathers) and depression (many)…even suicide attempts (grandfather and aunt) ..so mental illness is as familial as any other disease and can of course, be the culprit…..but I did not take the genes very seriously years ago when he first showed signs of it….I thought it was teen angst and nothing more. However I did take him to see a counselor and psychiatrist at the onset ….they dismissed him after a time. …even they were fooled. Thank you for allowing me to share with you all of the very things that have plagued/s me since it happened. I see so many similar characteristics in your child and mine which makes the puzzle pieces fit together somehow. xo…dale
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Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I think the picture you described that he drew with the angel was beautiful and what he was thinking when he left. I think the other more bleak picture was his depression talking because depression makes them think they are horrible people. I think we have much in common, unfortunately, and perhaps we can help each other from time to time. Please keep in touch.
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