On the Floor Again

Though my Christmas ornament Idea is helping me through, it does not protect me full time. I didn’t think it would, but it helps.

This morning in the tub I cried gut wrenching tears at the loss of my daughter. I do believe my crying is worse and more tormented as time goes by. Disbelief still consumes my soul.

Then after the bath and getting dressed, I found myself in her old room with so many of her things in there and I picked up her pocketbook that she had not used for awhile. I could tell this because it is not the one with her billfold and etc in there. What is in there are necklaces, bracelets, a hair clip, two cough drops and Halloween outfit. I found myself hugging it and crying and looking up on the walls and shelves and around at memories of her; the cat light fixture her dad had bought her when she was a little girl, the door knob/key holder hook decorative thing she put on her wall in her apartment that still holds her keys to so many things I don’t even know what they are. And also her gym ID card which she used 2 days before her death. And I didn’t even turn around to see the rest in the room, that was all I could stand at the moment, but as I sat in the floor I also saw across the hall the family montage sort of pictures in one big frame from when my girls were little and we were young. I sat there wondering how much a mother can endure at the loss of someone she loved with all her heart. I got up still wondering how.

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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17 Responses to On the Floor Again

  1. I am so sorry. I honestly wish that I could say more.

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  2. I’m so sorry. Praying for you & yours.

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  3. gatito2 says:

    It’s ok. Thank you.

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  4. Somehow we survive one day at a time. It’s been 18 1/2 months since Graham was killed and I still cry every day, many times each day. I’m always in disbelief. We live in chronic sorrow. Even when I laugh at something funny, my heart breaks because my son is not here to experience joy and laughter (or anything at all). This is such a difficult time of year for bereaved parents and siblings.

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  5. gatito2 says:

    I sure can relate to everything you just said. Thank you.

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  6. Rhonda:
    I have been thinking about you a lot today. Very concerned about how you are going to manage your way through the holidays. Especially being the first Christmas.
    I can’t say whether the emotions are the same here or not. Loss is a horrible thing. I lost my daughter to a selfish ex who vanished with her because custody was not looking to be in her favour.
    I have been without my daughter for the last 22 Christmas’s. This Christmas will be my 23rd Christmas without my Melisa. Like you there is not a day that I do not think about her, pray for her and worry about her. I kept the last Christmas gifts that I bought her for 20 years. Each Christmas I would bring them out and place them under the tree. I donated them to a charity 3 years ago hoping that another little girl might enjoy them.
    I do not celebrate the holidays and have not for the past 23 years as I can’t find my way past the heart ache. I spend my time on my own, generally deep in thought and prayer. I have shed a lot of tears in the past twenty three years. Despite the fact that there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about her, it is especially hard to manage during the holidays.
    I am writing you because I want you to know that you are not alone, no matter how often it feels like you are. Know that there are people that think about you and the pain that you carry with you. Know that prayers are said on your behalf and for you every day.
    I pray that you are able to keep moving forward and not find yourself in the same position as me not being able to move beyond. Embrace the rest of your family and friends, keep moving forward. Don’t let the loss take over, you have a lot of life to live and so much to share with others.
    I hope that this is taken in the right context, it is meant to help you keep your thoughts positive and moving in a forward direction.
    In my heart, thoughts and prayers,
    Brightest Blessings to you Rhonda and your family,
    bill

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  7. jmgoyder says:

    Oh Rhonda – crying for you.

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  8. gatito2 says:

    Didn’t mean to make you cry though.

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  9. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much William. I am so sorry that your daughter has been kept from you all these years. That must be so very horrible. I feel for you as well.

    Thank you for all the nice comments. I hope one day I wil feel like I can move on in some sort of way, but some days I just can’t see it. I don’t know where I even belong anymore.

    I wish you peace and as much happiness as you can get.

    Thank you,
    Rhonda

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  10. Hi Rhonda
    I have just been reading your blog entries and feel a bond with you that can only come through shared tragedy. We lost our beautiful 19 year old son to suicide on May 11th, 2011. He too had everything going for him. He was extremely intelligent, good-looking, very popular and good at sport. We had a very loving and open relationship with our boy and shared many laughs and long conversations together. I knew that he was feeling troubled as he had stayed up talking to me until 11pm the night before. But, he reassured me that he was doing okay and that he didnt need me to stay home from work the next day. He went to work the next morning but came home during his lunch break and took his own life.
    Like you, I will feel that loss forever!! …and I will never understand how someone with so much going for them and with so much to live for could feel so desperate. I think that is the part that hurts the most…knowing that my child was in so much sadness and despair.
    I too have sobbed and sobbed on many occasions….I still do! Birthdays, Mother’s days and Christmases are the hardest. Through it all I have found out who my true friends are. We have formed a tremendous bond with Jake’s many friends who continue to visit us and include us in their lives.
    Like you I found small solace in blogging. You can view my blog at http://memoryaday-annievb.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/clouds.html. My blog uses topic headings from a Photo-a-Day website. I would take the day’s heading and use it to write a memory of Jake. It helped!
    I hope that you, your family and your daughter’s friends can get through this Christmas with some semblance of normalcy. I hope that you can cry together and laugh and smile together as you remember past Christmases with shared happy memories. I hope that you can find strength in each other’s love and that the memories you share can serve to make you smile again.
    My favourite quote is:
    “You don’t know how strong you are until you have no other choice”
    Stay strong!
    Annie

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  11. gatito2 says:

    Hi Annie, thank you for your comments. A few days after Kaitlyn died, a woman I did not know came to my house and gave me a framed quote she had made for me and it had that very quote about being strong in it that you just quoted. I keep it in my living room on one of the tables that was Kaitlyn’s.

    I am so very sorry about the loss of your son. It breaks my heart to hear of one more wonderful young person that has taken their life right in what should be the prime of their lives. I know you still must suffer, as I know we will suffer the rest of our lives. I’ve heard it said the pain softens in time, so maybe that will happen when I’m 90 if I get that far, but I’m not even thinking it will then. I miss her so much and like you, what hurts the very most is to know that she was so sad, years even before she took her life, when she seemed so very happy.

    I’m glad that you found my blog, but I’m so sorry for the reason you did. If not for her death I would have never dreamed about blogging. I’ve never had that much to say to the world at large, but now I have to have some outlet and thank goodness for it. It sounds like you feel the same way.

    I will go check out your blog and thank you so much for the link. I wish you as much happiness as possible during these holidays.

    Rhonda

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  12. gatito2 says:

    Annie the link you gave me, that blog ended 7-12. Do you have another one?

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  13. Hi Rhonda
    In July 2012 I realised that my first blog had run it’s time. I really began to feel that my thoughts needed to be about my world and that the focus had to shift from being just about Jake to being about the rest of what mattered to me. So I began a new blog which would still include Jake but would also include all the other people who make my life worth living. I know that my life is good, it has just had some bad things happen in it! So my new blog/s do not always focus on Jake but on all that is a part of me. You are most welcome to read them at http://annievb.blogspot.com.au.
    Many of these make mention of our gorgeous son, simply because thoughts of him are with me every day! Tears are still never far away and blogging is no longer a daily event but it is still a wonderful outlet.
    Love to you and yours
    Annie

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  14. gatito2 says:

    I don’t blame you for stopping a blog totally devoted to your son. I have almost done this on many occasions but have changed my mind each time. I guess it’s because I still have things to say, things to sort through and on and on. But there will come a day I will stop because I will have already said it all. Not that I have any resolution or acceptance, but simply I will have no way to express it anymore in words. For now, I still need it. I want to shout to the world how wonderful my daughter was (and still is somewhere) and the awful stigma that prevents so many people from seeking help for depression. Also, I need to search for answers on how someone can hide such a thing so well. I am writing a book now which I hope to publish in a few months. Then I feel my writing will be done. Thank you. I will check out your other blog too.

    Rhonda

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  15. I know exactly what you mean! I talk about my son all the time. Some people look at me as though I am crazy, some people shy away from the conversations with him in it but I want the world to know how wonderful he was!! Most who knew him are happy to relate their anecdotes or memories and I crave this!! I love hearing about him and his teenage antics. He was funny and clever and he had more friends than anyone I know. He is sorely missed by many, many people but none more than me!
    I would love to read your book in the near future and have thought about doing the same thing but have no idea how to get that off the ground. We have a lot in common.
    Enjoy your day!
    Love Annie

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