Though my Christmas ornament Idea is helping me through, it does not protect me full time. I didn’t think it would, but it helps.
This morning in the tub I cried gut wrenching tears at the loss of my daughter. I do believe my crying is worse and more tormented as time goes by. Disbelief still consumes my soul.
Then after the bath and getting dressed, I found myself in her old room with so many of her things in there and I picked up her pocketbook that she had not used for awhile. I could tell this because it is not the one with her billfold and etc in there. What is in there are necklaces, bracelets, a hair clip, two cough drops and Halloween outfit. I found myself hugging it and crying and looking up on the walls and shelves and around at memories of her; the cat light fixture her dad had bought her when she was a little girl, the door knob/key holder hook decorative thing she put on her wall in her apartment that still holds her keys to so many things I don’t even know what they are. And also her gym ID card which she used 2 days before her death. And I didn’t even turn around to see the rest in the room, that was all I could stand at the moment, but as I sat in the floor I also saw across the hall the family montage sort of pictures in one big frame from when my girls were little and we were young. I sat there wondering how much a mother can endure at the loss of someone she loved with all her heart. I got up still wondering how.