Once upon a time, we had a K-Mart in our town before Walmart killed it. When my girls were little we used to go regularly and they would ride the little kiddie rides in front of it before we went in. Eventually Stephanie got too old for it (Stephanie was 4 and a half years older than Kaitlyn) and it would be just Kaitlyn that would ride the ride in front of K-Mart.
I vividly remember many times before we went into K-Mart Kaitlyn wanting to ride the little merry go round with horses on it. She would pick out her horse, get on, and I would put the quarter in. The horses would start going around and the music would start. Around and around Kaitlyn would go and each and every time she rode, she would move her head and upper body back and forth from side to side in beat to the music. Around and around she would go. I can see that little blonde headed pig tailed girl now. It’s a memory I will always cherish. It’s like she would transform herself into the melody of the music and the movement of the horses into her own wonderful hobby horse world.
Visions like this fly into my mind and my heart all the time.
When she got a little older she got into origami. That’s where you make pretty animals and all sorts of things with paper. Oh she would painstakingly color the paper and crease and fold and make beautiful works of art that she would often give as gifts. I have some of those put away in her trunk now.
I was at my mother’s Friday and on her tree are ornaments Kaitlyn had made and on her mantle was a Christmas stocking that Kaitlyn had crocheted.
She loved to make things more than any person I’ve ever known. I remember one year she crocheted gifts for everyone when she was a teenager.
She has a ton of rolls of yarn that she left behind when she went to college. All colors, all kinds, and there are a few unfinished things that will forever remain unfinished. I believe in all she has 4 big containers overfilled with yarn, needles and everything you would need to create a multitude of things. Below are some of her containers of yarn and some unfinished projects.
Below is a project she and her nanny (grandmother Elkins) worked on one summer (I think it was in the summer), it is a very sturdy, well-made stool and I keep it in her old room under the window.
The sewing machine she had so wanted was given to her by her nanny and used for a bit until she got too busy with other things. She left all these things when she went away to college. Even her art she left behind never to draw another picture. She still loved it all but she was too busy trying to get in and out of college so fast and get into medical school, those loves were left behind for a future day, far in the future when she might have time for these things. They will never be taken up again. Only completed projects of a time when she was so completely immersed in them, and a very few left undone….for when she got back to them.
Where do the memories of a little girl go, all the visions of them going around on a merry go round at K-Mart? Of all the other memories? Where does all the unfinished scarves and doilies go and unused rolls of yarn from a girl and teenager that poured her soul into them? I know the memories stay in my mind as long as I stay in my right mind, for however long that is, and the physical things that remain will remain for as long as we choose to keep them unless something happens to them, but where does the energy go? Where does my great desire for her happiness and her future go when she is no longer here? I don’t understand and I’m left wondering where they go.
There is no sadder feeling in this world then to think of these memories and see those unfinished crocheted items and realize there will be no new memories and the items will remain unfinished. If there is any more devastation than the loss of a child, I would not live through it. I’m still wondering if I will make it through this.
Where does the energy of a child, a teenager, and a young woman go that was so geared toward a life of greatness, of things that would have changed this world in some way? Where does it go when they are no longer here?
I can’t conceive of what is in heaven, or that place that our soul goes when we leave our body. I have no comprehension of it. Do we in some way have all our talents with us as we did on earth or do we possess new ones?
I hope to God that my girl is experiencing great joy at being creative and using her gifts of intellect and caring for her fellow man. But how can that be used in heaven? I don’t know since I have no way of knowing what heaven is like, not even remotely.
I just so wish she is somewhere where her gifts still shine, just like she shined and lit up the world in my life with her sweetness and love. I hope she is happy, the way I thought she was happy here and the way she seemed to be. I hope she is happy….with all my heart.
Oh Kaitlyn, I wonder if you truly knew how happy you made me and how you lit up my world. I told you all the time, but did you really know how much? I think you did and I am lost without you.