Christmas 1990

Kaitlyn, I made it through tonight’s Christmas supper at Nanny’s. I watched Stephanie as she pulled the musical Christmas bell that you always pulled and I stood and listened to its music. I sat in Nanny’s living room and saw you in my mind sitting across from me on the other couch like you always did. I looked at your tiny Christmas stocking that Nanny made for you when you were born. She made all her grandchildren a tiny stocking and they hang there every year with chewing gum and a dollar bill and things like that because they are so tiny nothing much will fit. It was always tradition. Yours still hangs there except yours only held a note and a candy cane.

I made it through ok, but I thought only of you. I feel you gave me the peace inside that I needed to get through this without you. No, I was not without you. You were and still are in my heart.

I left there just now and the night is clear and cold. I looked up at the brightly shining stars, found the brightest one and I thought of you.

I love you my sweet, wonderful girl. Nothing will ever be the same without you, but I got through this.

Below is a very small bit of video tape of your very first Christmas 23 years ago when you were 11 months old. I don’t expect anyone to watch all 8 minutes that I recorded, but this is to you sweetie. Thank you for the incredibly wonderful and glorious years you gave me with your illuminating presence. I will love you forever my bright shining star.


About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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12 Responses to Christmas 1990

  1. Neal says:

    I’m glad you made it through. I haven’t watched the video, but I will soon.


  2. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Neal. I hope you can manage to have a Merry Christmas.


  3. I have been thinking of you constantly through the preparations leading up to today. Wondering how you were going to make it if you would survive the memories that flood through. I have such a rough time every Christmas for the past 23 years. The memories never cease.
    I am so happy that you have made it through and hope that you continue through out the rest of the festive season.
    A Very Merry Christmas to you and yours.
    Brightest Blessings


  4. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much. I feel her with me.


  5. Kathi rabun says:

    Beautiful video, it made me smile and cry. I am glad you felt some peace this Christmas. Thinking of you and your family.


  6. lensgirl53 says:

    A sweet remembrance.


  7. gatito2 says:

    Yes it is. Thank you.


  8. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much.


  9. jmgoyder says:

    I watched this wonderfully ordinary video that so many of us make on our child’s first Christmas and was struck by the way Kaitlyn turned immediately to look at whoever was speaking to her – I think I first notice this when Stephanie said something and Kaitlyn swivelled around. And your beautiful voice behind the scenes and your husband’s. Then Stephanie says something quite profound about turning you into anything she wants you to be (not sure if I got that right). This is such a fantastically joyful scene made agonizing by what has happened and my heart goes out to you on this wonderful/difficult day, Rhonda. Thanks for sharing the clip and am glad you made it through the day; again I cannot imagine the pain and I hope none of my words ever seem wrong or trite. I feel this strange bond with Kaitlyn because she reminds me so much of me at the age she took her life and she even has what looks like the same eye problem I had at that age. This is a ridiculously longwinded comment sorry! xxx


  10. gatito2 says:

    Please don’t think anything you ever write to me is wrong. You have never written anything but good, kind, compassionate words to me and I appreciate them so much.

    I want to thank you for taking the time to watch this video. I knew when I put it up that not many would watch it because it IS an ordinary recording, of an ordinary family, during a regular Christmas and all families in the world have many of the same kinds with their own children. BUT, you took the time to watch it and were so observant to things that I only thought I would notice. Kaitlyn did turn around to people when they talked to her. Notice how she seemed a little startled when the flash of the camera happened, then smiled that pretty smile? And yes, she did have a problem with her eyes that I’m not even sure I had noticed yet at the time. One of them turned in due to a muscle problem and within a couple of months she was wearing glasses to correct it. She wore glasses until she got contact lenses around 10 or 11. And yes, Stephanie did tell me she could turn me into anything she wanted….and she probably would have could she have done so. 🙂 Her papa (grandfather) suggested a toad if I remember correctly.

    I was watching all these videos yesterday and decided to put this 8 minute video on youtube (which took an hour and a half to upload).

    I made it through yesterday afternoon ok too because my daughter Stephanie and her husband came over, and as always wanted to watch old videos. They were so hilarious especially where Stephanie was concerned that we all laughed so hard we lost our breath several times. Stephanie was something else and a whirlwind as a child. I’m going to post it sometime too. I told her I would have it all over facebook. 🙂

    Don’t worry about writing long comments to me. I love it. Look how long mine was. 🙂

    Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding.

    Now… get through Christmas day….


  11. jmgoyder says:

    I have just seen your latest post and it is a great relief that you got through it – fantastic! Re the above, I loved watching that video and such a weird coincidence that I had a turned in eye just like Kaitlyn’s -mine was a strabismus that had to be operated on when I was 4 and again when I was about 16. Now the eye turns out not in – ha! Thinking of you and yours, Rhonda, now that Christmas is over for this year. Love Julie


  12. gatito2 says:

    After Kaitlyn got her glasses, we took her to another specialist to make sure she didn’t need surgery on her eye to correct it as we had seen some children have to do this. He checked her and said no, that she did not need it and glasses would correct it without it. And it did. Thank you for thinking of me.


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