The Winds of Time

The cool winds blow across your stone which move the leftover leaves and straw from the past fall across the dates carved into it. A tiny wet piece of leaf clings to the date of your death, 4-11-13 and on this very first day of 2014 that act screams out into the quiet of this field of stones that you have been left behind. 2013 is no more and 2014 starts with a dagger of pain into my soul that even as much as I have felt since your death, this pain towers over.

How can it be that 100 funerals, 100 Thanksgivings and Christmases could not compare to the pain that that tiny leaf on 2013 represents?

The winds of time blow across this field that represents broken hearts and broken dreams and makes me know that time will continue to march on…..without you. How dare it?

How unfair is it that such beauty can be taken away and force the world to continue on without it? How utterly incomprehensible it is to realize that so much can be given and so easily be taken away? How horrific it is to love someone so much and have them lost to you? How unspeakable the pain is that comes from realizing such beautiful things and beings simply do not last in this world and we are left with pain. How confusing it is that someone that had so much to give did not have a chance to continue on giving? How so wrong it is that the very gifts of deep thought and ability are the very things that sometimes make people unable to live here on this earth?

So this is 2014 and how it feels to be forced to move on without you. The world is turning, everyone continues on laughing and going about the business of living and this is what you wanted, but I can’t bear the thought of you being forgotten. I don’t begrudge anyone trying to learn how to live again, but it tears up my soul to know that you are not here moving on as well. I know your troubled mind wanted to leave, but I knew the real you and that you wanted to make a mark on this world that no one would ever forget with your talents. You did make a mark, an indelible mark on my soul and to all that knew you.

So the winds blow across your grave my daughter, the grass has taken over the fresh dirt and now lies dormant over it; the winds of time that take me farther away from you but closer to the time when I will see you again.

Below is a pic I stole from a friend of Kaitlyn’s that he put on his FB site this morning. I’m sure he won’t mind. It screams to me with all it represents.

without you

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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21 Responses to The Winds of Time

  1. my heart is with you in your sorrow. Hugs

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  2. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I almost could not write anything at all I feel so horrible, much I managed to get this out.

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  3. Heartafire says:

    This is a beautifully written text. I am wishing peace for you in the coming year.

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  4. Cindy Baker says:

    Beautifully written- Love and blessings your way

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  5. The new year is a terribly difficult time for those of us who have lost a child. It represents our greatest fears and sadness, that life goes on without our child and that time carries us further away from the last time that we saw them.

    There is also a fear that they will be forgotten (obviously not by their mothers) or that they will somehow be left so far behind that their lives seem obsolete. A friend whose daughter died five years ago commented that she has noticed that in the photos of her daughter, the clothing her daughter was wearing are starting to look dated. Our children, who were our trendsetters, are being left behind and this is so very painful.

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  6. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much.

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  7. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I knew new year’s would be hard, but I was not prepared for just how very hard it was. No one ever said anything about new year’s. I cried so hard all morning that I have been physically sick the rest of the day.

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  8. Rhonda, I know the dagger of pain you talk about. This third New Year without my Bryer hurts no less than the first one. How could the sun manage to rise again at all after she died? How could it rise again over and over, Bryer is so far away from me now, that sometimes it crosses my mind that maybe she wasn’t really here at all – only in my imagination. But as I look at her things, and photos of her, the pain deepens, and yes, she was real.
    I rarely hear Bryers name spoken out loud anymore, I miss hearing her name.
    The winds of time have blown my daughter away from everybody else’s world, but not mine. She is far away from me, but not gone. Never gone.
    I won’t wish you Happy New Year Rhonda, because I understand that it isn’t happy at all.
    But I do wish for you a healing New Year, surrounded by love and support. Xx

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  9. gatito2 says:

    Toni, I see that you unfortunately know exactly how I feel. It hurts that time goes on without them. It hurts that she will rarely be talked about one day among so many people. It hurts so much because she deserves to be remembered. It hurts that she is going farther away from me. But as you say, she will always be in my heart and I will never, EVER forget anything about her. And I will say her name daily because I cry it out. I don’t expect anyone to grieve the way a mother does or for the intensity to last forever for them. It’s not about feeling bad toward them, it’s just the way life is, they have to go on. But it just hurts SO much. Thank you for understanding but I am so very sorry that you do. I wish you peace as well.

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  10. jmgoyder says:

    Tears for you, my beautiful friend. I so wish I could think of something comforting to say but I just can’t because the loss of Kaitlyn is too huge. So instead of platitudes, I send you my heartfelt love, Rhonda, and to your family as well. I pat you on the back for surviving Christmas and New Year’s and I admire your blogging courage, honesty and how you have somehow managed to keep Kaitlyn ‘alive’ and never, ever, forgotten, because of your huge love. I have saluted you before but I continue to salute you – every single day. Lots of love from me, Julie xxx

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  11. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much Julie. Your words make me feel better. I wish you peace and happiness in this new year and always.

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  12. kpatkins says:

    For years after Joshua pasted I would go to his grave often it was in a area with lots of grass and close to a beautiful tree, after we moved away I took him with me and the visits to his grave became less and after 10 years I forced myself to stop counting the years. A few years ago I went to place flowers on his grave and the large open grass area was no longer there, there were so many Headstones so close to his that i had to carefully step around the graves to get to him, I dropped to the ground in the little space that is there for him and sobbed for the twenty years i have been without him, God Bless you Rhonda, you are not alone with your tears

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  13. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much. I feel for you in your loss too. I don’t have certain times I go to Kaitlyn’s grave and don’t feel the need to do it a certain amount of times like some people do. With many people this is very important, to visit their grave often. But for me, I don’t feel like she’s there and as a matter of fact, I feel her less there than anywhere. Just like the day I saw her body the last time at her visitation, she was not there either. I only live 3 miles from her grave and I go about once a week or so if I’m in town for something. I make sure her stone is clean and flowers are intact. But I don’t feel her there.

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  14. PuppyDoc says:

    This was beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I only wish I could have gotten a chance to know your Kaitlyn.

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  15. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. You would have like her.

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  16. kpatkins says:

    I don’t feel Josh at his grave either, He came to me when he died so
    I wonder if thats why I’m not pulled to go

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  17. gatito2 says:

    Kaitlyn did not come to me when she died. She had died a day before anyone even knew about it and I was oblivious to the whole thing, all the while going about my regular life, looking forward to the weekend. I still do not feel drawn to her grave. But I do care a great deal about it as I made sure her stone was beautiful and everyone that ever looks at it from now until it lasts will know she was greatly loved. Kaitlyn did come to me about 2 months later in a dream, and 3 more since that one. I’m very fortunate to have had that experience and hope I have many more. But she’s not in that graveyard…..

    Do you ever tell the story about him coming to you? I’d love to hear about it if you share it.

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