Here I Sit

Here I sit in the 9th month that Kaitlyn has been gone and I am no further away from the grief that I experienced at the moment I learned of her death. No matter what I know or continue to learn about depression, or even my own battle with it, I still cannot believe that my daughter killed herself. Of course I know it to be true, she died by her own hands, I have no illusions that she did not do this, but I still can’t believe it.

It’s still very hard for me to grasp that the person that illuminated happiness and light more than anyone I know could possibly hide so much unhappiness that she ended her life. The wonderful person that she was and the talents that she took with her makes it so hard to believe.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that fathers love their children as much as a mother does, but I can only speak of my own devastation at losing my daughter. My daughter (as they both are) was a part of me. I would say that I lost part of myself when she left, an amputation of a vital part of me, but actually, it is so much more than that. I lost a person in my life that was so much more important to me than myself.

Sometimes I wonder if I have not died and have actually gone to hell. I’m living in hell. My life is a huge vacuum, I am a shell of my former self, what is left of my heart is filled with pain.

I am so sad that I don’t know what to do. But no matter how sad I am for myself, it pales in comparison of the magnitude of the unexpected suicide and discovery of my daughter’s deep sadness.

Oh I’ve said all these things here so many times and I keep grasping at more ways to describe the complete annihilation of one’s spirit and drive after they lose a child; a child that turned their world into complete sunshine. How could she illuminate so much sunshine when her inner being was suffering from bleakness?

Kaitlyn lost her life, but I have lost mine as well. I cannot see myself 10 years from now still suffering this horrendous loss. But people do, I just don’t know how they do it.

I often sit and think about if I was to take all the bad experiences I’ve had in my entire life, and multiply them by 1 billion, it still would not come close to being as horrible as what I am going through now.

Her sadness and ultimate ending of her life makes me realize that my child was not happy and happiness is all I ever wanted for her. She deserved it. She was amazing. Oh I would have given anything to have known of her pain and could have helped her. I would have gladly given up everything I had for her, to help her.

The idea of her death is so complex. I realize from her note that she was depressed, but I believe that she could never quite find something. Something very important. I don’t know what it was. It haunts me. It haunts me to know my baby was so very sad.

Today was bleak, gray and raining. When it is sunny outside I still see it as bleak, gray and raining. She took my sunshine away. She took her beautiful self away and I just cannot deal with it. I cannot come to terms with it. My heart is so broken, I am broken.

Oh Kaitlyn how I miss you so. How so important you were to me, how much I love you…and I love you still. I love you “very so.”

I can’t help but want to post this video again. I love you Kaitlyn.

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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28 Responses to Here I Sit

  1. It breaks my heart to read your posts, and read of your grief, saddness and that you are so lost without your beautiful daughter. Thank you for sharing your story……x

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  2. Susan says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I am so moved by your blog. As a mom, I can totally feel with you. I am sure you have heard this a million times and I know it sounds cliche, but is also true – there truly is a golden nugget in there for YOU somewhere. Your beautiful daughter though through deep pain, is giving you a blessing yet. It’s there somewhere. You will find it. God Bless you! My love to you!

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  3. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I am so completely and utterly sad.

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  4. jmgoyder says:

    All I can say is that we are here for you and listening to you and hoping for some light to come back in, Rhonda – lots of love Julie

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  5. It is a living hell for you. And, I’m aware of the helpless one feels over what to say or do, other than I hear you and wish it were easier. Love, Paulette

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  6. Give it time. Somewhere around the end of the 2nd year is when I started choosing to live again and found purpose and passion again. I am half way into my 3rd year, and have many more good days then bad at this point. Take it one minute at a time, and trust those further down the line that you WILL survive it. Blessings.

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  7. kpatkins says:

    Rhonda, I’m in Raleigh so we are very close, can we meet. . .I think we have a lot to share

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  8. I wish there was something I could do to remove your pain, or give you comfort. You display so much strength to write these posts, as it cannot be easy to do so. I hope you are able to find support from loved ones, or some type of grief support network, so you do not go through this alone. I hope hope writing your posts goes some way to helping you on your grief and mourning journey. I thank you so much for sharing with us what is in your heart.

    Many blessings to you,
    Patricia

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  9. Although my son didn’t die by suicide, in every other way the feelings of loss and despair that you describe could be my own writing. You have captured the complete devastation that I feel.

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  10. gatito2 says:

    Thank you but my gosh that is a long time to be in hell. I guess that’s better than being there forever. At least there is some kind of flicker at the end of a long, long tunnel.

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  11. gatito2 says:

    Ok. I left you a private message on facebook. We live about 2 and a half hours away from each other.

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  12. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much Patricia. I have many family members that love me and give me support. The only other support network I have are online friends because I’ve tried counseling and it does not work for me. They tell me I’m doing great and leave it at that. One didn’t know any more about suicide than I did. It’s so hard to make something of this wreckage left behind. You are so kind with your comments and I appreciate it very much.

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  13. gatito2 says:

    I hate that anyone feels the way I do. I am so sorry.

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  14. cathy says:

    Rhonda , I keep up with you blog , we also lost our son so very close to the date you lost your beautiful daughter. Chris passed on 4/18/13 on our 32 wedding anniversary in a car accident. I can say the pain has not faded and if anything more intense than the 3rd or 4th month.

    Cathy

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  15. gatito2 says:

    Thank you very much.

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  16. Dee says:

    the fight of depression….so hard to understand….each one so different.

    Rhonda you so wonderfully explain how you feel as you fight depression and the loss of Kaitlyn and now the depression of life without her.
    Each time you write what you may have already tried to explain about your journey since Kaitlyn has gone you have come up with a new way to tell us as you articulate such an honest description that makes me fall apart as I can’t even say it how you do.
    It is so beautifully told by you with such bare honesty of how awful it is to lose your child and to lose her to suicide.
    I just watched your video which made me cry. Then I saw the dragonfly on little Kailyn’s shirt which made me cry. From all I’ve read here you are and were such a wonderful mom to your daughters!
    Kaitlyn could not explain this feeling she had except to say she was sad her whole life!
    Next month is three years that my beautiful Kelly has been gone. I’m back to being numb as I cannot accept that she is gone. Right now I look at my life and it is hard to remember ever being happy because I feel such deep sadness now. My life ended the day hers did. That Dee is gone and now just an empty shell of me drags myself through another day. That is my life now! But before 2/15/11 I felt happiness.
    I am trying like heck to help myself. Everyone deals differently and healing may or may not happen.
    The fact is I am trying but I still feel the same. I am working hard at trying to be alright but I may or may not get there which brings me to Kaitlyn and the only way I can.. in my now sad life try to understand Kaitlyn.
    I know Kaitlyn could not compare her sadness to how you feel losing her but can you see how life changes can change what you felt once!
    When you are little I think it is hard to understand what you feel…. and when you grow up I think you don’t want to bother people.
    I didn’t know Kaitlyn but I believe she tried with all her might! I believe she tried to beat what took her! Maybe only because of my fight is why I feel this way. I don’t know!
    Kaitlyn appeared to be happy and brought so much joy who would ever think anything was wrong! It looks like no one could ever tell Kaitlyn felt that way! How could you possibly know Rhonda?
    Kaitlyn said she was always sad! But to have so much love as she did for her family she had to feel some happiness to feel that love! She was becoming a doctor to help people which she must have felt a love for which I would think gave her some happiness. When sadness consumes a person it’s hard to look at any happiness you’ve ever felt. I would assume the sadness just grew to quickly out of control.
    It sounds like Kaitlyn was a unique young child who could already see the real world! The real world that many want to by pass because it is difficult and sad with moments of happiness.
    Deep sadness existed before you or I had to sadly discover it! It was nice to be blind for a bit and to think the world was all great! Maybe Kaitlyn could just see more!
    Guess I’m always searching for answers for myself or for anyone in such devastation!
    I wish you well Rhonda!

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  17. Hugs, my friend…
    from one grieving mother to another –
    all I can say to you after reading this post and watching your video is “hugs”…many many many hugs.

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  18. gatito2 says:

    I give you many, many hugs too. You need them as much as I do. Thank you.

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  19. gatito2 says:

    Thank you for following my blog Cathy and I am so sorry about the death of your son. It was very near the time of our daughter’s death. My husband and I had also been married for 32 years with our anniversary being the next month. They say the pain eases in time, but for me it becomes more intense. I feel like a raw, bleeding pulp of something. I hope you and your husband can find some kind of peace. It’s something one never gets over I know that.

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  20. Cathy Parker says:

    Many hugs to you Rhonda , I’m so very sorry you have to walk this road. I do believe one day the pain will become softer , but not today nor tomorrow. Always in my thoughts and prayers.

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  21. gatito2 says:

    Dee, your comments moved me so much that they made me cry. You did not make me sad though I hope you understand, but it moved me that I think you understand so much about Kaitlyn’s life and her sadness. I truly feel like you said, that when she was little she didn’t understand her sad feelings, and when she was older she didn’t want to bother anyone. I also think that her condition spiraled so quickly out of control that it consumed her so fast. I think she tried to make herself feel better by achieving, running, exercising, eating right, and living, but nothing she did worked for long.

    When you said you noticed the dragonfly on her shirt is when I began to cry. The fact that you noticed that and what that dragonfly means to me makes me know that you know. You really do. Thank you so much.

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  22. Dena Morgan - mother of Kaitlyn Jane Flanagan says:

    Rhonda – I just wanted to tell my truth … my saying, I’ll see you tomorrow Kaity! I know she is safe in the Kingdom of God, and I most certainly loves the signs she leaves me… however, I’ll see you tomorrow.. I just don’t know when that tomorrow may be, because as we know tomorrow could be our last tomorrow.. then I will be with my Kaity again, and this time forever! I live for that day, but until them I have 2 other daughters to love and 4 grandchildren, and I want to be here until it’s my time! I hope you are starting to have love and peace ,, heart broken forever , I understand and I can live with that… but Kaity is in Gods heaven rejoycing and out of pain and someday we will be reunited and never be apart again! See ya tomorrow Kaity!

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  23. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Dena. Yes, we will see them again.

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  24. Sandra Priest says:

    I love the video. Rhonda it’s a blessing you have these videos of her. She was a baby doll from a toddler & grew onto a naturally beautiful young woman. You should never think you have to apologize for speaking about all of Kaitlyn’s talents and accomplishments that she had, some that she worked diligently for, some that came naturally & some that were GOD given. So if it helps you to speak about her continue to post, & write as long as you can or need to do so. My heart breaks for you, & my prayers are always with you. I actually believe somewhere out there your blog & writings are helping people. Depression I know, loss of a child I can’t even begin to know.
    Greg & I speak of you and Allyn quite often. We are very saddened by your pain. Please know that & we love you both

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  25. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much for your kind words Sandra. Kaitlyn was truly an amazing person on this earth as you knew her all her life, and I so wonder what she is doing now in that paradise I’m sure she is in. This is a horrible journey to travel. I think of you and Greg too. Perhaps one day I’ll go back to church and see you all. I don’t know though. But just know, we think the world of you both and know that you both care about us. Love always, Rhonda

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