Here I sit in the 9th month that Kaitlyn has been gone and I am no further away from the grief that I experienced at the moment I learned of her death. No matter what I know or continue to learn about depression, or even my own battle with it, I still cannot believe that my daughter killed herself. Of course I know it to be true, she died by her own hands, I have no illusions that she did not do this, but I still can’t believe it.
It’s still very hard for me to grasp that the person that illuminated happiness and light more than anyone I know could possibly hide so much unhappiness that she ended her life. The wonderful person that she was and the talents that she took with her makes it so hard to believe.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that fathers love their children as much as a mother does, but I can only speak of my own devastation at losing my daughter. My daughter (as they both are) was a part of me. I would say that I lost part of myself when she left, an amputation of a vital part of me, but actually, it is so much more than that. I lost a person in my life that was so much more important to me than myself.
Sometimes I wonder if I have not died and have actually gone to hell. I’m living in hell. My life is a huge vacuum, I am a shell of my former self, what is left of my heart is filled with pain.
I am so sad that I don’t know what to do. But no matter how sad I am for myself, it pales in comparison of the magnitude of the unexpected suicide and discovery of my daughter’s deep sadness.
Oh I’ve said all these things here so many times and I keep grasping at more ways to describe the complete annihilation of one’s spirit and drive after they lose a child; a child that turned their world into complete sunshine. How could she illuminate so much sunshine when her inner being was suffering from bleakness?
Kaitlyn lost her life, but I have lost mine as well. I cannot see myself 10 years from now still suffering this horrendous loss. But people do, I just don’t know how they do it.
I often sit and think about if I was to take all the bad experiences I’ve had in my entire life, and multiply them by 1 billion, it still would not come close to being as horrible as what I am going through now.
Her sadness and ultimate ending of her life makes me realize that my child was not happy and happiness is all I ever wanted for her. She deserved it. She was amazing. Oh I would have given anything to have known of her pain and could have helped her. I would have gladly given up everything I had for her, to help her.
The idea of her death is so complex. I realize from her note that she was depressed, but I believe that she could never quite find something. Something very important. I don’t know what it was. It haunts me. It haunts me to know my baby was so very sad.
Today was bleak, gray and raining. When it is sunny outside I still see it as bleak, gray and raining. She took my sunshine away. She took her beautiful self away and I just cannot deal with it. I cannot come to terms with it. My heart is so broken, I am broken.
Oh Kaitlyn how I miss you so. How so important you were to me, how much I love you…and I love you still. I love you “very so.”
I can’t help but want to post this video again. I love you Kaitlyn.