Kaitlyn, today, 1-19-14 is your birthday. 24 years ago today was the day that you came into our lives. I had no way of knowing what great experience was awaiting me in the years ahead.
I am not going to wish you “happy 24th birthday in heaven” because you are not 24. You will never be 24. You were 23 when you left this earthly life and I’m almost sure that where you are time is not measured in the same way it is here on earth. Actually, I’m almost sure of it. We measure years from how long it takes the earth to circle the sun, and earth is not where you are anymore. Instead, you are somewhere that I have not the capability to imagine. I hope it is the paradise that you so very much deserve because when you graced this earth, you made my life a paradise just by being your mother, of experiencing your wonderful presence, for giving me all the love that I could ever ask for, and for being such a wonderful daughter your whole entire life.
Today is one of the hardest days I have experienced since your death. I can’t celebrate another year of your life, because you are no longer here and it makes me so unbearably sad to know this. Your sister, her husband Steve, and one of your friends Neal are going out to eat sushi in your honor for your birthday at the place we went to that time. But I cannot go. I am not ready to go out in public to celebrate your birthday, but it’s very important to your sister to do this and I’m so happy Neal is going too. Actually, they went last night (1-18-14 on a Saturday) and I hope they had a good time. But I can’t do that yet, maybe next year. For this year I will stay home with your daddy and Stephanie and Steve are going to come over today (Sunday) and celebrate your birthday at home. She felt that I would need her on that day, and I will. She’s going to make a cake and we will eat it for you. We will light a candle in your memory and then go visit your grave. This is how I want to do it this year, at home and in private because that is all I can bear right now.
To know that you are no longer here to turn 24 breaks my heart so very much. You deserve to be 24 and continue on until you are 100 and in between that time to live the fullest, happiest life possible, because that is what you deserve. But that is never to be and I can’t do a thing to change it. If I could, I would give my life to make it happen and I would not hesitate for a second.
I love you Kaitlyn. You made an impact on all the lives that you even brushed by. You made me happier than I could have ever imagined and gave me so much unconditional love. You were so very, very special. I know you still are…somewhere out there.
Until we meet again my wonderful daughter, I will miss you and forever mourn your loss. But I thank God for every single second I had with you, you wonderful girl.
So, no “happy 24th birthday in heaven,” just happy birthday my sweet daughter. A day that I could not have imagined would be the beginning of someone so wonderful.
I love you with all my heart and soul. Until I see you again……