Kaitlyn Would Have Been 24 Today

Kaitlyn, today, 1-19-14 is your birthday. 24 years ago today was the day that you came into our lives. I had no way of knowing what great experience was awaiting me in the years ahead.

I am not going to wish you “happy 24th birthday in heaven” because you are not 24. You will never be 24. You were 23 when you left this earthly life and I’m almost sure that where you are time is not measured in the same way it is here on earth. Actually, I’m almost sure of it. We measure years from how long it takes the earth to circle the sun, and earth is not where you are anymore. Instead, you are somewhere that I have not the capability to imagine. I hope it is the paradise that you so very much deserve because when you graced this earth, you made my life a paradise just by being your mother, of experiencing your wonderful presence, for giving me all the love that I could ever ask for, and for being such a wonderful daughter your whole entire life.

Today is one of the hardest days I have experienced since your death. I can’t celebrate another year of your life, because you are no longer here and it makes me so unbearably sad to know this. Your sister, her husband Steve, and one of your friends Neal are going out to eat sushi in your honor for your birthday at the place we went to that time. But I cannot go. I am not ready to go out in public to celebrate your birthday, but it’s very important to your sister to do this and I’m so happy Neal is going too. Actually, they went last night (1-18-14 on a Saturday) and I hope they had a good time. But I can’t do that yet, maybe next year. For this year I will stay home with your daddy and Stephanie and Steve are going to come over today (Sunday) and celebrate your birthday at home. She felt that I would need her on that day, and I will. She’s going to make a cake and we will eat it for you. We will light a candle in your memory and then go visit your grave. This is how I want to do it this year, at home and in private because that is all I can bear right now.

To know that you are no longer here to turn 24 breaks my heart so very much. You deserve to be 24 and continue on until you are 100 and in between that time to live the fullest, happiest life possible, because that is what you deserve. But that is never to be and I can’t do a thing to change it. If I could, I would give my life to make it happen and I would not hesitate for a second.

I love you Kaitlyn. You made an impact on all the lives that you even brushed by. You made me happier than I could have ever imagined and gave me so much unconditional love. You were so very, very special. I know you still are…somewhere out there.

Until we meet again my wonderful daughter, I will miss you and forever mourn your loss. But I thank God for every single second I had with you, you wonderful girl.

So, no “happy 24th birthday in heaven,” just happy birthday my sweet daughter. A day that I could not have imagined would be the beginning of someone so wonderful.

I love you with all my heart and soul. Until I see you again……

Love,
Momma

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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21 Responses to Kaitlyn Would Have Been 24 Today

  1. I’m so sorry for your pain Rhonda. I understand how much hurt you are feeling today.
    I understand how impossible it is to wish Kaitlyn “happy birthday” when it is not happy. I couldn’t do anything to mark Bryer’s first birthday after her death. On her second birthday I bought her sister and myself matching charm bracelets in memory of her. We will add a charm every year on the 6th of November now.
    My heart aches for you often, but especially today Rhonda.
    I understand, and I am so very very sorry.
    Xx

    Like

  2. jmgoyder says:

    I hope it isn’t inappropriate to say that I have come to love Kaitlyn very much because of what you have told us about her in your blog. I cannot possibly imagine how hard today would have been for you and your family, Rhonda, but I am so glad you are sharing this with us. Juliexxx

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  3. Reblogged this on livinginharmonywithbipolar and commented:
    Mini emnandi kuwe Kaitlyn, uyisibusiso kubazali bakho. That is isiZulu meaning “Happy Birthday Kaitlyn, you are a blessing to your parents. She may have passed away, but the memories you have of her will never be forgotten or erased.

    Like

  4. tersiaburger says:

    What a beautiful tribute to your precious daughter. Yesterday, the 18th was Vic’s one year anniversary. We have passed and survived the firsts. I spent the day with Vic’s boys. We too ate sushi but at home. Hang in there my friend. It won’t get better but every day we are one day closer to being reunited with our daughters. Happy birthday Kaitlin.

    Like

  5. Joan Madsen says:

    May your heart feel cradled in loving support as you honor and remember your beloved daughter on the day of her birth. These are tender days indeed so please know that I’m sending positive energy to enfold all of you who love Kaitlyn so. From one momma to another… Joanie

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  6. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much Toni. I don’t know if I would have been able to do anything for her birthday if it had not been for my oldest daughter Stephanie. She felt I needed her to come be with me (which I do) so she is coming over with cake and we are going to cook hamburgers, light a candle and visit her grave.

    I think your charm bracelet idea is SO VERY wonderful! I love that. That is a wonderful way to celebrate your daughter’s life.

    Thank you so much for your kindness today and always.

    Like

  7. gatito2 says:

    Julie, it is not inappropriate at all! As a matter of fact I am so happy that you have come to love her. She was so amazing in so many ways, she deserved for people to know. Thank you so much for your kindness. Oh how I need it today especially.

    Like

  8. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much for reblogging my post! And thank you for your kind words.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. gatito2 says:

    Thank you for your honesty in saying it won’t get better because I never have thought for one minute that it could possibly get better. I’m glad you made it through the first year ok. I still have her one year to get through 4-11-14. I can’t bear the thought.

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  10. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much Joan. I need all the positive energy I can get on this day. Yes, these are very tender days…..very.

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  11. jmgoyder says:

    You have my hand, Rhonda.

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  12. Want to hold you in my arms and cry with you. I mean it. Sending you love.

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  13. Neal says:

    We missed you yesterday. I totally understand why you couldn’t make it. Maybe next year.

    I miss Kaitlyn so much. My life will never be the same without her.

    Like

  14. Dee says:

    Hi Rhonda!
    I am sad and I’m so sorry on this special day that belongs to Kaitlyn that she is not here to celebrate it with all of you! Although I hope she is here somehow but maybe it’s just too complicated for our simple human minds to understand.
    I have asked my own daughter so many times to help me see or hear her as I do not know how… if there is any possibility of doing so. Since death is an unknown mystery to us we have no idea what is possible!
    January 19, 1990 a beautiful spirit Kaitlyn was born into this world and that beautiful spirit remains in this world!
    I wish you, beautiful Kaitlyn, happy birthday because this is the day of your birth and always will be and a very special day to your family! It saddens me that you are not physically here for you and your families happiness.
    Thank you Rhonda for sharing your daughter Kaitlyn with all of us as she has become part of our lives and many of us have grown to love this unique beautiful person Kaitlyn Elkins!
    Kaitlyn was and is a great part of this world!

    I am so sad of your on going sadness as I know it all to well myself. But it is sad! So deeply sad.
    We spend a lot of life living on hopes and wishes! It’s only human!
    But It’s most hard to hope and wish when one knows those hopes and wishes now feel unreachable!

    When we go out today I will pick up a little cake or cupcake and light a candle on it for Kaitlyn in honor of her day!
    Thinking of you all today Rhonda, Allyn, Stephanie, Kaitlyn, Steve and Neal (the wonderful friend)!
    Take care,
    Dee

    Like

  15. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so very much for your kind words Dee for me and my family. So far I’ve gotten through it…..but the quiet night is ahead…

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  16. gatito2 says:

    I thought about ya’ll all night last night Neal and hoped you all were having fun. Stephanie said you all did. I know you miss her and how much she meant to you.

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  17. You are in my prayers. The pain you have had is something I cannot imagine. Just know that you and your family are not forgotten or alone.

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  18. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so very much!

    Like

  19. Marie says:

    So many times I have thought about suicide and attempted it. It is amazing how when you are suicidal you just really believe that those around you would be better off without you. I feel horrible for your loss. Reading this just hurts me so much to know how much pain I would have caused those around me if my attempts would have been successful. Seeing the other side – the emotion and feelings. I cannot even imagine the pain that you feel. I have seen one other post on here from someone who lost someone to suicide. Between hers and yours – it has really opened up my eyes to the pain it causes. I know it doesn’t bring back your daughter or make it better, but I think that you opening up and sharing your story is actually showing me (and others) why they shouldn’t ever do it. It makes me take a step back. I will think about this and how it hurt you and will therefore hurt my family and friends if I ever think about it again. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Like

  20. gatito2 says:

    I’m so glad that my posts and others have helped you realize that it would hurt somany people if you take your life. But most of all, you would erase the future that you would have had. I hope you are getting help with your depression. Please take care of yourself.

    Like

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