I continue to wake up every morning to the reality of the impossible. Knowing that my youngest, beautiful daughter killed herself is the mental equivalent to being continuously mauled by a bear…..all day and night, every day and night.

I once heard of the true story about a group of fur trappers in the early 1800s that were traveling out west. One of the men in the group was mauled by a grizzly bear. His group decided to leave him there to die, for surely he would die. They left. This man, after awakening after some time, his body a mass of bleeding flesh, exposed ribs, broken leg, crawled and clawed his way many, many miles, many, many days, to civilization. He somehow lived.

I’m still at the gaining consciousness stage wondering whether I can crawl that far.


About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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22 Responses to Mauled

  1. Author Catherine Townsend-Lyon says:

    Hello my friend,
    I’m going to take a wild guess that you have this photo of you and your precious “Kaitlyn” blown up, and hanging in your home??? It’s a beautiful picture of you both. I know everyone grieves in different ways. My hubby and I were feeling just how you described a few weeks ago about the loss of his oldest sister “Janis” on the 1 year anniversary of her passing of intentional prescription drug overdose. It will always be a mystery as to why others get to feeling so hopeless, that taking ones life is the only option.

    But, that too I understand with both my failed attempts. My God seemed to be saying to me, my purpose had not been completed here, so that is why I do what I do to help others in Recovery, and those who suffer Mental health issues like myself. You are also helping MANY too, by your blog posts. Sharing your most intimate feelings of your loss is helping others cope with theirs.
    So I Thank you for that. I wish you much Peace & Serenity……You will get there. It takes time.
    God Bless,
    Author Catherine Lyon XoXo


  2. candidkay says:

    I am so sorry and have no words. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.


  3. Heartafire says:

    a very appropriate analogy!


  4. gatito2 says:

    I thought so. Thank you.


  5. gatito2 says:

    I have this picture in a frame on a little table in my living room that was once Kaitlyn’s.

    Thank you for your kind words. I don’t know if I help anyone, but just feel like I’m whining. But I need somewhere to do it so I do it here.


  6. riselikeair says:

    So sorry. My worst nightmare.


  7. gatito2 says:

    It’s everyone’s worst nightmare.


  8. There is truly an ever present feeling of disaster and doom. I relive the nightmare every day when I awaken. Today would have been Graham’s 25th birthday. In case you’d like to see some photos (I always like to look at the photos of Kaitlyn that you post), I posted a link to an old slideshow on my website


  9. gatito2 says:

    Oh, I hope you are making it ok on Graham’s birthday. I will be thinking of you.

    For some reason when I clicked on the video it would not play. I don’t know why.


  10. No idea why it isn’t playing. Here’s the link again.

    It should work.
    It’s a rough day for us. Staying home, away from people, although we really appreciate those who have reached out to us today.


  11. gatito2 says:

    I was able to see it that time. What a wonderful, sweet video. Bittersweet though. Everyone looks so happy…and they were. Thank you for sharing it with me. Many of those pics of the family remind me of ours.


  12. We were happy. How did we all end up where we are now? I’ll never understand.


  13. Jane, Heather's mom says:

    I get you in a big way. My 20 year old, also beautiful, daughter Heather took her own life on August 21, 2011 and was found on August 23rd. I know why she did it – depression that overtook her brain, convincing her that she would be better off dead than with the thousands of people on this earth who loved and appreciated her so much. I too am no longer working. I can’t seem to take stressful work situations anymore (not that I haven’t tried to get a job; I just can’t work for lawyers anymore; and outside of law offices, I can’t get a job!). This journey is long and hard but time makes it a tiny bit less painful. Sending you BIG (((HUGS))). ~Jane, Heather’s mom
    P.S. If you haven’t already done so, you might like to join the Parents of Suicides Yahoo Group where there are lots of people like us who understand. I find it helps a lot to hear others’ stories.


  14. Reader says:

    I know someone whose child died of suicide. Almost ten years later she is as well as anyone can be: she is working again, doesn’t have depression, active in her community, etc. But she also has bad days and she admits she thinks of her child so often and sometimes hurts so much she can’t stand. And yet she lives. I look at her and am filled with admiration for her strength. Deep inside I know I could never be so strong. What is the point of living when the meaning of life is gone? I’m sorry, I meant to tell you something deep and inspirational. I don’t have it, even though I know people who do. I just hurt a lot.


  15. gatito2 says:

    I’m so glad this lady has found meaning and happiness in her life again after such a tragic loss. It’s hard to believe that anyone can. You don’t have to tell me anything deep and inspirational. I always appreciate those that do, but….I can’t help but hurt so badly I can barely stand it.


  16. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much and I am SO sorry about the death of your daughter. My daughter’s brain told her the same thing. She had everything to live for but her brain told her she was too sad to live. How unspeakably horrible.

    I don’t know when I’ll ever go back to work. It does not seem to be happening.

    I will go and check out the group. Thank you for letting me know about it. Big hugs back to you too!


  17. jmgoyder says:

    Your bear analogy really shows how it must feel.


  18. gatito2 says:

    It does, it feels just that way, maybe worse. Being torn to pieces but not enough to kill you.


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