I sit here at home in my over 9 months after losing Kaitlyn and I ponder quite a bit. I’ve posted 5 billion Facebook posts, over 400 blog posts, and have written an over 90,000 word book (my word document keeps up with that number) and I wonder what it is for. I’ve been finished with the book for weeks and I usually keep looking over it adjusting it here and there, obtaining permission to use certain quotes, articles, etc. but for the life of me, I’ve not had the heart to look at it at all in over a week.
But I wonder about my book. In many ways it is a warning about the silent depression that killed my daughter and kills so many others, and many other things. It’s a way to vent my feelings. My Facebook posts are to make me feel not so alone I suppose. I rarely see anyone, but that is of my own doing for the most part.
My blog is a way for me to keep from exploding because if I don’t write about what I feel, I feel even worse. Then I’m told that it helps other people to realize what it would do to their loved ones if they killed themselves. Their mother would become someone like me….totally lost and feeling ruined. The people that have lost loved one’s feel like they have someone to relate to.
But then it always brings me back to what it is that I’m doing. Kaitlyn, would never in a million years open up her true feelings in public like this, except maybe an occasional cryptic sentence or through her poetry that she did not write anymore. Would she be ashamed of me for being so public? I was once like that, never to open up for people in public, keeping my feelings to everyone but my family, now this has changed everything. I’m not really a writer. I just have a need to express myself since she has been gone.
But what am I doing? I think I know. I’m trying to keep Kaitlyn alive. Piece by piece I’m trying to build her again, recreate what has been lost, I think it’s so horrible that this world has lost her presence, her potential, her wonderful energy, her sweetness and brilliance. I just can’t let that go, I must keep her alive, no one must ever forget.
But I just can’t keep her alive, simple as that. She choose to go, even though it was through that horrible veil of sadness that took her from us. I will never be able to deal with that. I can never re-create her, I can’t try to write her into being a full fleshed human being anymore. She is gone. Her spirit is somewhere, though I know she is around me and visits sometimes in various ways, I cannot touch her, and it is not the same, though I cherish what I can get.
I’ve blogged myself out, I’ve facebooked myself to death, I’ve written a book that may or may not be published one day…..and still she does not stand before me, hug me, let me smell her hair and tell her I love her bigger than the universe. I run out of ways and now I don’t know what else to do.
I think all of this was a way to keep her alive. She still does not stand before me but only in my heart, my mind, and my memories does she remain. I can’t accept it. I never will.