Friday night I was really sick again. It was the same thing I had a couple of weeks ago, only 100 times worse; horrible stomach pain, not cramps but continuous pain. It was located where my stomach is; it was not anything like where the appendix or intestines are. Along with that, horrible vomiting. I can’t think of a time when this type illness was worse.
As I was in agony, I would sometimes briefly think (briefly because I could barely think of anything else but how bad I felt) that this was the only time I was free of thinking about losing Kaitlyn. The misery was so horrendous that I could not think about anything else. What a horrible way to quiet your mental pain, with physical pain.
Then it occurred to me, I feel like I am slowly physically dying. My anguish is so horrendous that my body is finally giving in and is causing me a slow horrible death. I was thinking this yesterday as the stomach pain continued but the vomiting had ceased. Today I feel better…..physically.
Once yesterday I looked out my back window as I often do to my back yard. I looked over to the corner of my yard where the woods start, and just inside the woods was a clump of blooming daffodils. I know February is the time for daffodils. I’ve loved them all my life as they always represented that spring would be following and not too long away. I loved that because spring was my favorite time of year. Everything comes back to life again and I loved spring for everything it represented; time outdoors, blooming beauty, and warmer days.
As I looked at those daffodils surrounded by a background of dormant vegetation, where no daffodils have ever bloomed before in the 26 years I lived here, my heart almost quickens with excitement, but then I stop short. Spring will come soon. Spring will be here with my blooming azaleas, sweet smelling Wisteria, blooming dogwood trees, and the pollen will fall. I don’t want it to come anymore. I want it to stay winter which reflects how I feel inside. I don’t want it to be spring…..because she died in spring. Right during the time when it was ALL blooming, my daughter took her life.