The Daffodils

Friday night I was really sick again. It was the same thing I had a couple of weeks ago, only 100 times worse; horrible stomach pain, not cramps but continuous pain. It was located where my stomach is; it was not anything like where the appendix or intestines are. Along with that, horrible vomiting. I can’t think of a time when this type illness was worse.

As I was in agony, I would sometimes briefly think (briefly because I could barely think of anything else but how bad I felt) that this was the only time I was free of thinking about losing Kaitlyn. The misery was so horrendous that I could not think about anything else. What a horrible way to quiet your mental pain, with physical pain.

Then it occurred to me, I feel like I am slowly physically dying. My anguish is so horrendous that my body is finally giving in and is causing me a slow horrible death. I was thinking this yesterday as the stomach pain continued but the vomiting had ceased. Today I feel better…..physically.

Once yesterday I looked out my back window as I often do to my back yard. I looked over to the corner of my yard where the woods start, and just inside the woods was a clump of blooming daffodils. I know February is the time for daffodils. I’ve loved them all my life as they always represented that spring would be following and not too long away. I loved that because spring was my favorite time of year. Everything comes back to life again and I loved spring for everything it represented; time outdoors, blooming beauty, and warmer days.

As I looked at those daffodils surrounded by a background of dormant vegetation, where no daffodils have ever bloomed before in the 26 years I lived here, my heart almost quickens with excitement, but then I stop short. Spring will come soon. Spring will be here with my blooming azaleas, sweet smelling Wisteria, blooming dogwood trees, and the pollen will fall. I don’t want it to come anymore. I want it to stay winter which reflects how I feel inside. I don’t want it to be spring…..because she died in spring. Right during the time when it was ALL blooming, my daughter took her life.

daffodils

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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8 Responses to The Daffodils

  1. Heartafire says:

    look at those beautiful daffodiiles, growing wild it seems. I hope you are feeling well and it was just a passing virus..hugs!

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  2. jmgoyder says:

    I am having a hard time with some stuff Rhonda but please know how much I care.

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  3. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I do know.

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  4. gatito2 says:

    Maybe a passing virus.

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  5. Dee says:

    the misery was so horrendous that I could not think of anything else. Those are very powerful words! I imagine many people have felt this way…but imagine if that feeling caught you mentally and would never ever leave………… That whole paragraph says alot.
    You are a very intelligent person Rhonda!
    Your blog has given such great insight to people who are in your pain and those who do not know your pain but can feel it from how you write. Your book will be a great service to people and nothing but a great honor of love and respect to your beautiful Kaitlyn. How proud she must be of you!
    Sadly spring and summer will come. They are now just names for the season. For you and I and many many others they represent times we cherished and what’s gone. I do not see them or feel them anymore. I try to wish them to hurry by.
    I would love you to be okay and I would love you to be okay with spring but I’m always wishing…..
    I’m glad your feeling better physically today!
    Take care Rhonda!

    Dee

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  6. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Dee. I don’t have to imagine that pain mentally though, because I have also experienced it and it’s awful. Yes, spring will come, summer will come and everything else and the world will go around, without Kaitlyn. Not a happy prospect at all.

    Thank you for your kind words. I hope my book does what it is supposed to do and not be criticized for it being so sad…..but it’s an incredibly sad thing when you lose a child. Sad is an understatement.

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  7. So sorry to hear that you’ve been so ill!!! Hope you get better sooner than soon. You have a terrible anniversary coming up, do you have a plan for getting through it? Fond thoughts coming your way….Bipolaronfire 🙂

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  8. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. No, I have no plans on getting through it, just hoping the book is published near that time. Not sure if that will be helpful or make it worse.

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