It Is Just So, So Hard

Oftentimes I think of Kaitlyn during the times we once talked while she was in medical school. One particular instance was when she and I were sitting at the kitchen table and we were talking about how different medicines work and how they alter cells and just how they work in the body. We talked about diabetes and diseases and the functioning of the body in relation to many different medicines. I’m a registered nurse and we had to study Anatomy and Physiology, Microbiology, and Pharmacology pretty much in depth. And even though our study was intense it was a far cry from all that Kaitlyn had to study. As I sat there and listened to her explain so many things to me, some of which I already knew to a certain extent, most of which I did not, I sat in stunned silence. This girl of mine was oh so happily telling me the workings of the body on a molecular level and all sorts of things and I was amazed at how someone could retain that amount of information. And she was not going about it saying what she remembered by rote; she actually knew what she was talking about and did not memorize it, but knew it. I was so awed by her.

Then there were the times me and her daddy would take her out to eat while she was in medical school and I would ask her how everything was and she so enthusiastically told me all she was doing and it was as if the whole room lit up with her brightness and enthusiasm at what she was doing in school.

Not being an extravert, but an introvert like me, she had to work on her ability to just strike up conversations with strangers when she was doing her assessments. It’s not that we don’t like people, it’s just that it’s hard for us to come out and be very personable from the instant we meet a stranger. But she said she was improving and thought she was doing really well.

I sit here and think of some of these conversations. They are not by far all I think about her as I have 23 years’ worth of memories to think about, but when I think about those conversations and try to match that person who bubbled over with enthusiasm for school and life in general and to the girl that wrote goodbye to us and all that and put a helium bag on her head……it’s just hard to match the two.

It is just so, so hard.

white coat

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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6 Responses to It Is Just So, So Hard

  1. Sometimes people are just really good at putting on a face for the world and getting things done; they’re afraid to let anybody see the pain underneath. Sadly, this usually just makes the emotions worse because then the person ends up feeling very alone since no one knows how they’re feeling deep down, alone with their own thoughts. I know because I’ve been there. I wish you the best in trying to recover from your loss.

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  2. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. That does make a lot of sense. In all my search to find answers, this becomes the most dominant reason I have found. Knowing it and coming to terms with it are such different things. Maybe I can one day.

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  3. As brilliant as the mind is…it is what we tell ourselves that sticks there and it is not always positives, sometimes it is the dark thoughts that worm their way to the forefront and we begin to doubt our worth and if we are strong enough sometimes life is just too hard to exist, or so we think in our tratiorous minds. I feel your pain and I am so so sorry. You will learn that writing it all out like you are doing is the easiest way to get it out that build of pressure tht feels like your heart and mind are going to explode at the same time. I wish I could offer you comfort.

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  4. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I agree with everything you just wrote.

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  5. jmgoyder says:

    To not know that Kaitlyn was depressed isn’t because you weren’t observant. You were! I so wish I could give you a real hug.

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  6. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I paid SO much attention to Kaitlyn her whole life because I adored her. I didn’t know what was going on inside of her especially when she went away to college when I didn’t see her everyday.

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