The Flowers

As the 1 year date of Kaitlyn’s death draws nearer and nearer (4-11-13) I am filled with unutterable horror and dread. I made it, albeit barely, through all the other “dates;” Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and her birthday. I sit and I wonder how am I going to get through “that” date? How?

As I’ve written many times, spring has always been my favorite time of year when all the flowers and trees are blooming, but Kaitlyn died during that time so I know it will no longer be my favorite time of year. No time of year will be my favorite again. I dread the blooming of one single bud or flower. With each unfurling they will slap me in the face reminding me that is the time Kaitlyn left this world. I remember vividly not long before she died standing in my yard seeing how the grass was turning green beneath the old dead grass and everything was blooming. Every time I see that sight again it will remind me of her loss.

But then again I remember how very, very much Kaitlyn loved flowers as a child. All kinds of flowers, even the bright flowers the state plants beside of the roads. We’ve always thought of Kaitlyn when we saw them as we drove past, even long after she was grown. I will always think of her with each flower I see. Ironically though, she left when they were all blooming.

One year when she was either almost a teenager or a young teenager, we decided to plant some flowers along our sidewalk. Oh we worked and toiled happily planting marigolds and petunias all down the walk. They were beautiful. Then a few days later they sprayed the cotton in the fields around our house and the wind was high. The next day all the flowers were laying down dead. How disappointed we were.

Then one time when she was around 16 or so, we decided to plant those same kind of flowers and others around a light pole in our front yard. We had a wonderful time digging and planting and they were beautiful. As the spring progressed, we watered and weeded and we were so proud. But there was a birdhouse on that light pole and a bird had eggs in there after a while. Then came the day that every time we went out there to weed and water we would get attacked and dive bombed by the mother bird and probably the father bird and we were almost in fear of our lives. So we had to stop going out there at all and it all grew up with weeds.

That’s the last time we planted flowers. That was the last time I planted flowers.

But I think of how to get through April this year, I might just take the bull by the horn and buy some Marigolds and Petunias and plant them. Plant them in Kaitlyn’s honor and remember how much she loved them. Only this time I will avoid the bird house areas and hope the crop spray does not find them. Just because Kaitlyn left in spring, I don’t think she would want me to hate spring forever and it may be fitting to plant flowers for her one more time.

I know Kaitlyn wouldn’t want me to suffer all these things, the dread of holidays, the dread of everything, my life falling apart, my severe unhappiness….but I didn’t want her to die either and I didn’t have a choice. I’m afraid she does not have a choice in how I feel either. I don’t even think I have the choice.

But I think I will plant flowers….when it is time.