4-11-14 will make the one year mark of my daughter Kaitlyn taking her own life. During this time I have had the emotions of feeling I was going to die, wishing I would die, grief, horrendous pain, disbelief, believing I was actually living in hell, questioning life and the horrible things that happen on earth, questioning everything I ever thought to be true, not caring about anything much less myself, eating, and basically living the most horrible existence that I could ever imagine. I quit my job, have not worked since, have for the most part disengaged myself from almost every social encounter that I’ve ever taken place in. No more church, fewer visits to family, for the most part I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I’ve tried to go back to work after a few months. Once I tried at a veterinary office (I’m a nurse but don’t really want to do it anymore. I’ve been an RN for 20 years). I panicked so much that when I found out I would probably be hired, I told them I didn’t think I was ready after all. Then after a time, I tried to get my old job back as an RN and work part time. My boss said yes. It never materialized for whatever reason. I will continue to try to find my place in the world again.
But during all this time I’ve had an insatiable desire to keep my daughter’s memory alive. Not only that I NEEDED to write about her, I NEEDED to let the world know, or as much of it as I can, just what a wonderful person that was lost on 4-11-13 and what an injustice and eternal slap in the face that it was and how unfair. It’s unfair to lose any child to this……and I feel deeply for others as well.
My deep desire to write about Kaitlyn turned from just using Facebook as my outlet, to having a blog to express myself and all I am going through, right on up to writing a book that is being ready for publishing now. It’s called: My Bright Shining Star: A Mother’s True Story of Brilliance, Love and Suicide. This book is not a book about how to recover from the loss of a child by suicide, because I don’t know myself, but it is a story, a warning, and so much more. I hope she will be proud of me for it.
So since it’s been almost a year, I know that I must get out of the house now and learn how to live again. First you must understand, that when you lose someone you love more than life itself, that the sun rises and sets in them for you, that you admired so very much and was your kindred spirit and so very much more……it’s hard to even WANT to live again. It’s so hard to even try. But what other solution is there? I can’t imagine the rest of my life without my precious Kaitlyn…..but what choice do I have? I had no input into the matter, I had no control. I do have control of the rest of my life one might say, but really….you don’t. You are forever doomed to a life sentence without the possibility of parole of a life filled with the sharp, gaping, bleeding hole that your precious child left when they left this world never to return.
So I’ve got to learn to live. I’ve got to first WANT to learn to live. It will be hard.
In saying all the above, I have a few new friends to my blog that have recently started following me. I want to share the slides that I have made during this past year about Kaitlyn in one place for anyone that wants to see them. Please know, I don’t expect many to watch them as most of my blog followers have seen them already and for those that have not, I don’t expect you to watch them all and you don’t even have to watch one. Maybe this writing in this post will be as far as you go, and if so that is fine. But I want to include them all in one spot just in case because they are scattered all throughout this massive blog with no way to really find them unless you do a tedious search.
This and my writing has saved me this past year, as much as I can be saved anyway.
To all that follow my blog, thank you. I know it’s not always easy to read about heartache, so I thank you.
The one below is long at 11 minutes but it was the first one I ever made not long after she died so I got carried away. In this one it starts around the time she was 17 until the last pic before she died only days before it happened. The food in the pics are her creations, she was a very excellent self-taught cook (she did NOT get this from me), the close up pics of things are her photography, she lost weight by the end of this video but it was because she had started running a year before, she ate several small meals a day. So weight loss was not a sign of her depression as some might think. She cut her hair when she started running. Anyway, Just a few things you might not understand that I wanted to explain. All the art is what she drew except for the naked woman that was just something she bought. The pic with all the girls in the same type T shirt was the last installment of the Harry Potter series (she loved the books and movies). The music is by Damien Rice, one of her favorite artists. All other music in videos of her that I used in other videos are mostly country music….but Kaitlyn did not like country music…..but it was so appropriate in their meaning that I used them.
The next one I did not do. It was the one the funeral home made for her visitation. It has pics of her life that we had to pic out when we were still numb with disbelief.
The next short one is when she went away to college to undergrad at 18.
This one is her last voicemail to her sister.
And my gosh if you are really loyal and have gotten this far, her is her valedictorian speech. I do not expect anyone to sit through this, but I thought it was wonderful. One person tried to give me his psychological impression of her speech (and he did not have the credentials to do this, nor was it welcome). I think it’s just a brilliant speech, written by her and we were proud.
So don’t fear, her speech is only 3 and a half minutes. The rest is the graduation….I just couldn’t cut the whole thing out.
And this one, please go to minute 2:30 to start. I could not figure out how to cut the fist out at the time I made it. Also, I didn’t mean to include the last part at the gym so you don’t have to watch that. I did not know editing skills when I did these videos. I may go back and redo them.
So, am I obsessed? Yes I am. I admit it. I loved her (still do) more than I love life and I was and am still so very proud of her. And she’s gone now…..it makes one want to savor everthing about her. Call me obsessed all you like. I can take it. Oh how I love her so. She was so VERY speical. Thanks for getting this far if you have. And remember….you don’t have to watch all this. I just wanted to put it all in one place.