Again and Again

When Kaitlyn first died, I thought about her every single second of every single day that I was conscious. People always tell me that in time, you will not think about your loved one that has passed every second anymore, but there will be longer periods that you will go without thinking of them. This relief of mental torture sounds good in theory, but like many things in theory, the reality is quite different.

For a little while now, there may be 30 seconds or even a whole minute that the gravity of her suicide and the fact she no longer inhabits this earth does not consume my entire being, maybe a moment or two while I read or watch TV. But the horrible thing about that is, is that when I do think about her, it hits me full force again and it’s as if she has died all over again. For every moment that I remember, she dies again and again. I beg to differ that this is better than being entirely consumed.

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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15 Responses to Again and Again

  1. ‘but like many things in theory, the reality is quite different.’ SO TRUE!

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  2. gatito2 says:

    Yes it is so true.

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  3. grahamforeverinmyheart says:

    It’s been 21 months since my son was killed and no matter what else I am doing, I am always thinking of him. Always. Everything is a reminder of his absence. There is no escape from this hell. I am not always crying, though I do cry every day. But I understand exactly how you feel. So often the reality suddenly slams me and I feel shocked, filled with panic, and desperate all over again. Perhaps a sudden and unexpected death is so traumatic, that the survivors inevitably keep reprocessing the events.

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  4. I agree with grahamforever…it is all consuming like a tsunami, it just washes over you ever minute of every hour.

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  5. jmgoyder says:

    To have it hit you over and over again would be torture.

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  6. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I think you are right.

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  7. gatito2 says:

    Yes it is.

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  8. I remember being exactly where you are. It’s too soon for you to stop thinking about her 100% of the time. I am at 3 1/2 years and I do have many moments where my son isn’t in my thoughts, and it’s not like a ton of bricks when I remember again. It just takes TIME. Hang in there.

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  9. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I can imagine that it will take a very, very long time to not think of her continously.

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  10. Rhonda it has been sixteen years since my brother left us and it does consume you but over time I have moved forward. Yet now I feel guilty because his memory does not consume my life and thoughts any more. The missing him never changes it just grows softer around the edges. Wishing you warm sunshine.

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  11. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much. I’m so sorry you lost your brother.

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  12. Dee says:

    In truth time doesn’t heal or lessen pain. Time passes! The sad truth is as time passes there is no more shared time with our loved ones who are gone. Your presence is here as time is passing. Your presence is here because the only choice you have is to stay or leave. Time just keeps passing not by our choice but because it does. People say move on. Well guess what you do move on everyday but because time passes and you got up again today not because you want to move on without your loved one but because you have no choice unless you leave. Time heals? Time just distances. It pains me even more to think I could be here 30 or more years without my daughter to share that time with. How do I do that? How are any of us to do that? Yes take it one minute or one day at a time. Well that is all we can do because we are only here for a second at a time but my reality is an entire life without her whether that life span is one second left or 35 years. It’s already been 3 years! Wow! How? I haven’t really been here. I can’t stand it! How am I still breathing! I think of her non stop! Why is she gone!
    There is no magic for grief and no magic for deep unending sadness and the deep anxiety within that this just can’t be true. The very deep sadness of “I just can’t let you go!”
    How does one do this?

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  13. grahamforeverinmyheart says:

    Everything you wrote rings so true with me.

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  14. gatito2 says:

    Oh I know how you feel. I feel these feelings and it’s only been 11 months since Kaitlyn died. This is a horrible reality we live in and I don’t even know how we do it.

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