I have a memory of the last weekend Kaitlyn and I spent time together. Of course I remember every single thing about it, but there’s this one thing that bothered me when it happened that I thought about then and I think about it from time to time since she’s been gone.
We had gone to the mall for her to shop for some clothes. (strange a girl so close to taking her life buying new clothes…she died only a little over a week later). As she was looking through the racks at all the clothes I just kinda hung around her watching her shop and talking with her. At one point I noticed that part of one or two of her fingers on one had were white, very white and the rest of the fingers were a normal color. I thought I knew what it could possibly be before I asked her “Kaitlyn, what is wrong with your fingers?” She told me what I thought it was and it’s called Raynaud’s Disease. It’s where blood vessels in certain areas constrict and cause the skin to turn white and get numb temporarily. It’s not anything serious. http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/raynauds-disease/basics/definition/con-20022916 I said, well yes I know what that is because I had studied it in nursing school and it’s not usually anything serious and she said that that was true but sometimes if someone has it they can develop lupus later on in life…..possible but not probable. I looked at Kaitlyn and asked her “Why didn’t you tell me that you had this?” She simply said that it was not a big deal.
No, it wasn’t a big deal but at that moment I realized that my daughter certainly did not tell me everything that went on with her in her body or her life. I didn’t like it. I always wanted to know the important things but realized she was a grown woman and would not always tell me everything.
But Kaitlyn was like that sometimes even growing up. Sometimes she would talk to me about so many things but there were some things she just did not want to talk about. I remember there were times up until a few months before she died when she would tell me “me and__________ broke up, but I don’t want to talk about it.”
Now I realize more than ever that it was an understatement to say that Kaitlyn did not talk to me about everything.
I’ve been following your blog for a while now. I’m a medical student with severe depression and borderline personality disorder. This post reminded me so much of my relationship with my mother…how, since I was a girl, I’ve kept so many things from her.
Wishing you all the best and sending you positive vibes,
Thank you Laura. And I thought we were so very close too. We were in so many ways. I’m so sorry you are having problems. I hope you are getting help because remember…..my daughter did not. I wish you well and hope everything goes right for you. Thank you for reading my blog.
I think that most children, no matter how open they are with their parents, will sometimes keep things to themselves in order not to worry their parents.
I really thinks so too. I did. Thank you.