I’m Planting Flowers

That one year mark to Kaitlyn’s death is fast approaching. I never call it an anniversary, how can I give something that terrible, a date so dreaded, a date that has taken me one year farther away since my daughter was living, the dignity of having such a name? I won’t. I never will. It’s that one year MARK. Don’t know why I call it a mark though, I guess it’s just one more mark in my heart that makes the wound even deeper. I don’t know, I’ve not thought about what “mark” means, but it’s not as nice as “anniversary.” It does not deserve a name that nice.

My husband’s out there mowing the yard because it’s filled with the weeds that start growing way before the grass does. Evidence of spring is all out there. I look at it sometimes, I feel it when I go to the mailbox or am forced to go out into the world and run errands.

Last spring I didn’t put the flowers out on my porch like I always did. I always put those pretty red geraniums in a pot on each side of my steps. I didn’t care that my porch looked bare. I did have a spring wreath on my door, but I had gotten that and put it on my door before Kaitlyn died.

So I guess it’s time to put the spring things out….drag out the spring wreath and when they put geraniums out I’ll go buy two big pots of those. Me and my other daughter Stephanie are planting Kaitlyn a memorial garden soon and I don’t want it to be the only thing out there that says spring at my house. I might as well embrace spring somehow because it’s happening whether I like it or not. But it will forever mean when Kaitlyn died. Until the day I draw my last breath, spring will be when Kaitlyn died. But she loved flowers and by gosh….I’m planting flowers.


About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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10 Responses to I’m Planting Flowers

  1. Angelversary is my name for ‘THE’ day for as you said it cannot be an Anniversary


  2. gatito2 says:

    That’s a good name.


  3. Your flowers are beautiful! I am planting flowers too! That’s just what I do in the spring and It helps to see those happy pansies as I pull up to my home.

    My daughter, sister and I planted a memorial garden last fall. Last year I cried when I looked at it, but this year I am happy we did it.

    There are so many names for “the day”. This year will be my first time on that horrible road leading to the first year. I am calling it devastation day. Maybe next year I will have another kinder name for it.

    I will be thinking of you, Rhonda.


  4. jmgoyder says:

    Keep on keeping on as you are already doing, Rhonda – much love – Juliexxx


  5. Nothing, of course, will ever be the same for us again. But life goes on whether or not we acknowledge it. Planting a memorial garden has been a form of therapy for my husband and it’s a way of honoring our son and all the beauty he brought into our lives. You are here and taking pleasure in flowers and the natural world can only be a positive thing for you.


  6. gatito2 says:

    Yes, I know you are right….flowers aren’t as pretty anymore though….


  7. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Julie.


  8. gatito2 says:

    Devastation day would be more like it. That’s what it is……


  9. Uncle Spike says:

    I have certain flower types around the farm that were simply renamed after folk we’ve lost (such as the Fred flowers). It’s amazing how quickly you only use the new name. It’s nice too, esp on perennials when they keep on coming back – just like the great memories.


  10. gatito2 says:

    That’s a good idea.


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