You Are Standing There

Just a few minutes ago at dusk, as the moon was up but yet there was still light enough to see everything outside, I went out there and sat on my steps and looked up at the moon. I remembered all the times we looked at that moon together. Then I looked across the field that is across the road from my house, my eyes took me to the woods at the far end of that field and just as I saw you and have seen you ever since you died, you were standing there. Standing at the edge of the woods and your blonde hair was still long. You were standing there in a pretty black dress, ready to go to a play, a symphony, or the opera like you always loved to do. You stand there at the edge of the woods staring at me. Ready to go somewhere that gave you much pleasure.

I know now, as I did the first time I saw you, that it’s really not you. The darkness is a certain dark tree trunk and your hair is a light part of that tree. But I like to pretend that it is you, all dressed up and ready to do what you loved.

And then I looked at the moon once more, looked at the wisteria on the other side of my yard and remember the 18 year old girl that stood for pictures to be taken before her prom, in that pretty red dress.

And then I went inside. Goodnight my Kaitlyn. Enjoy your symphony…..

black dress

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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6 Responses to You Are Standing There

  1. Will be thinking about you tomorrow. It will be really good to get past the big anniversary. A milestone in terms of enduring the grief process. Take good care of yourself.

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  2. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Sharon.

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  3. Anonymous. says:

    You will be in my thoughts on this upcoming date of remembrance. I think Kaitlyn in some subtle and special way will guide you through what now likely feels like an obstacle. As you’ve said, this one date does not define Kaitlyn’s life – I hope you will experience some hint of the qualities that did define her full, unique life tomorrow. Her goodness will quietly be at your side, perhaps in the beauty of the flowers you will plant. The effort of creating this beautiful garden echoes her initiative and her work. I am reminded of Kaitlyns poetry- of the flower that bloomed despite the fact that its soft petals were less protected than they were as a bud. And this is the way it seemed Kaitlyn lived, fully – despite the risk of pain, the times of sadness. This bravery, and yours, in all you do are admirable. You have both lived in a way that touched the people around you.

    One of my favorite movies is Terrence Malick’s “The New World”- not a popular blockbuster by any means. But I have found it to be a beautiful representation of this point in American history where everything changed- it is told as the story between Pocahontas and John Smith. At the end, after the scene where she passes away, there are several scenes of just nature- the vast horizon of the ocean, water flowing in a brook, trees of the forest towering upwards. It felt that the filmmaker was showing us that there was something of her still there in the places she’d spent so much carefree time. I think that I am trying to say that I think there is much of Kaitlyn’s inner beauty in and around you, in the people and places she loved. I hope a sense of peacefulness will comfort you on this road of your journey.

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  4. gatito2 says:

    Your comments were so beautiful that I am almost at a loss for words to say how much they touched me. She is all around me in the beauty of the world because she lit this world up with her light. Even the flowers that are blooming in my yard are not so terrible anymore….I dreaded them so much because she died last year when everything was blooming. But now, my mind remembers how very much she loved flowers and all the beauty of the world and how could I ever hate anything she loved? Her beauty and spirit are all around me as you so eloquently put it and I am so, very, very moved by your words and they have given me much comfort. I think I’ll look up that movie and buy it. It seems there’s much to be learned from it. Thank you so much for what you have done for me tonight. You have no idea what you have done.

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  5. Anonymous. says:

    Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response- you are so, so right- the best tribute to her is the appreciation of the things she loved and the character she embodied. There is something of Kaitlyn in her friends, her family, in the flowers of your garden, in the classmates she came across and influenced. Through your communication, I believe the values and kindness that Kaitlyn embodied will serve as some inspiration to people across our small planet. Your post following this one moved me to tears, on the basis of your love for your daughter. It is so obvious that you have always loved your daughter as she deserves to be loved.

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  6. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much. I do love her. My love knows no bounds for her.

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