Kaitlyn, I remember it like it was yesterday, because it really was not that long ago. It was August 2012 and you were home to go to your cousin Kyle’s wedding. It just so happened that you were on break and getting ready to start your 2nd year of medical school
We went to the church near the beach where the wedding was held and I remember being so very proud of you. You were sporting your new short haircut and had a really pretty dress on. All of your family members on your daddy’s side were there and they had not seen you for a long time as you had been away to college for years and was unable to go to the family reunions anymore.
You looked so pretty and everyone fawned over you saying how good you looked and how proud they were of you and how much they missed you. I remember how you smiled and thinking just how sophisticated you looked. And I was just SO darned proud of you. You always had class Kaitlyn and with each and every time I saw you, you seemed even classier and well spoken. You had such a confident air about you, not a conceited air, but quiet confidence.
As I sat there with you and your daddy in that church filled with people, I often looked over at you and envisioned the life that you had before you. A life that would take you just as far as you wanted to go. You were going to live the dream; the dream you had for yourself all your life, the dream I had wished for you because that is what you wanted.
How was I to know that 8 months later you would take your life? The young woman that sat beside me in that church did not seem to have anything going on inside of her that would suggest anything like that ever coming to pass. But it did. And I live with its nightmare that never leaves me for one instant and ranges from horrible to more horrible. A mother’s worst nightmare.
Tonight as I grabbed an armful of your clothes from your clothes basket that still holds so strongly your scent and pretended it was you, I was somehow brought back to that church as I sat beside my wonderful, beautiful daughter that I was so proud of and I cried, “Kaitlyn, I’m so sorry….I am SO sorry.”
My Bright Shining Star 
I was going to write ‘you are lucky to have such vivid memories of the times when Kaitlyn was with you’ but then you are not lucky in any way at all. It is difficult to find the words to write to you.
That is a beautiful photograph of Kaitlyn – she looks exactly as you described; confident and sophisticated.
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It is not your fault. I am so sorry for your terrible loss. I hope that you find the strength, comfort and courage to go on; not move on, but go on.
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It’s ok, I AM lucky to have such wonderful memories of Kaitlyn. That’s so much better than to have never had her at all. I’d gladly suffer this pain again if I had the choice to have had her in my life or not had her in my life. But then I wonder if it would have been fair for her to have suffered the pain while she lived and then there’s a whole new thought process to try to filter through. You don’t have to worry about finding the right words, just any kind words will do. The only thing I don’t like is mean words which, thankfully, don’t happen too much. Thank you for your kind comments.
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Thank you. I hope I find it too.
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I’m so sad to read this. She was a very attractive, friendly looking young woman.
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Thank you. She was all that and more.
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