Bittersweet Mother’s Day

Mother’s day this year is such a mixed bag of emotions. On the one hand I have my wonderful mother who I love so very much and am close to that I am going to honor because she deserves to be honored and I want to. I also have my very sweet, smart and wonderful daughter Stephanie who I know will be here for me and try her best to make me feel good and she has a talent for that. I also have my sweet mother in law.

But on the other hand, there’s the daughter that I lost only last year and mother’s day even with all I have left is going to be extremely painful. I’m going to my mother’s and my mother in law’s house on Sunday and will be with my family. But I’m so going to miss Kaitlyn.

Last year, I stayed home because Kaitlyn had just died the month before. I could not bear to go anywhere. Somewhere deep down in my heart and mind, I halfway expected to get something in the mail from Kaitlyn for mother’s day. I thought maybe that before she died she may have ordered something from somewhere only to be delivered at around mother’s day. But that was just a fantasy and I knew it really wouldn’t happen. She always thought ahead…..but that would have been thinking a little too far ahead. But it would have been so like her.

So it’s like everything else in life now. I see all these young people accomplishing, graduating, getting married, having babies, becoming doctors, doing all the things that young people do, and I am so very happy for them, I don’t harbor any jealousy and I wish with all my heart that they will have the success and happiness they deserve. But it breaks my heart also to know that my daughter Kaitlyn will not graduate medical school, get married, have children, continue our wonderful relationship….or anything at all except remain in the hearts and minds of all that knew and loved her.

As I said, such a mixed bag of emotions.

Below is my Momma in 1960. She was pregnant with me at the time and I was her 4th and youngest child. Yes, my mom has looked like a movie star all her life and she’s even more beautiful on the inside.

momma

Below is me and my daughter Stephanie on her 28th birthday Sept 2013.

stephbirthday

Below is me and Kaitlyn in her apartment around 2011.

Kaitlyn and me

Below is my mother in law and my daughter Stephanie. Near impossible to get my mother in law still enough to take a pic.

nanny

Below is my momma and my daughter Stephanie this past Easter 2014.

mommaandsteph

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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8 Responses to Bittersweet Mother’s Day

  1. Lee Ann says:

    Your mother really is beautiful. I hope that you manage to find a way to make it through another difficult day. I know how hard the days are, but I know how strong you really are. And you really are….you are such an inspiration to me, and the definition of a mother. Mothers are loving, caring and they are strong….even when they are tested with the most difficult things. Men they say are supposed to be the strong ones, but I believe it’s the mothers that are the strong ones. During my last CPR training class, the fire chief that taught the class said some of the worst people he had ever seen give emergency medical treatment were school nurses (no offense to nurses and for the record he did say that most of the so called “school nurses” here in FL were not even really nurses, but just trained in basic medical care), but he said the absolute best people he had ever seen give CPR or medical care….mothers. He said mothers are the strongest creatures on Earth. You are an AMAZING mother Rhonda! And I have no doubt that Kaitlyn knew that….that is beyond obvious, and your daughter Stephanie sounds like an amazing woman as well, and why wouldn’t she be. You raised her. You are such an example to all of us mothers, that we can be as beautiful, loving and STRONG as you are.

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  2. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much Lee Ann. You don’t know how much your words mean to me. If ever I did anything right in my life, it’s the unconditional love for my children. I may not have been the best cook, or knew how to make all kinds of things, and I know I didn’t do everything right, but by gosh I love them so much I could not contain it.

    Thank you.

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  3. edgarone2 says:

    Happy Mother’s Day Rhonda.

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  4. gatito2 says:

    Thank you.

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  5. Anonymous. says:

    I just wanted to echo Lee Ann’s comment that you really are such a wonderful mother, and that the lovely qualities of your two daughters are a testament to this!

    All these ladies of your family are so beautiful 🙂 I had another thought, that although all these people we see seem to be very successful, graduating, having babies, etc., some of them could yet be suffering or struggling, unknown to us as observers.

    Although Kaitlyn isnt currently able to do those specific things on Earth, I hope she’s doing something bigger and better 🙂 Of course for now we don’t know about it- but perhaps she is like a caterpillar turns into a butterfly and flutters away out of our immediate sight. I know you miss her so, so much, as you will always be her loving, kind mother. I hope you feel some peace and maybe even moments of joy this weekend. I wish all children everywhere could have mothers as caring and lovely as you are!

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  6. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much. And you’re right. Who knows what these young people that I see are suffering. I hope they are suffering nothing, but many could be hiding a depression inside of them just like Kaitlyn did. I think many times about what Kaitlyn is doing now and I feel in my heart that she has gone on tot a greater purpose.

    As always, you give me so much to think about and it’s all good. Thank you so much.

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  7. Anonymous. says:

    You are so welcome, and thank you for your kind words. I really agree with you in that, in my heart I don’t believe that we are permanently separated from those who’ve passed on- It does feel that there’s something circular about existence, and that people do go on to different, great purposes.

    It’s sad to think about all the ways people struggle, including with depression. So many people may be in situations where they don’t see help as an option. And I think about people in poverty, people who live in chronic war zones, who truly may not have options. It’s so sad that we live in a country with options, but still people feel hopeless or unable to seek help or may have obstacles. Hopefully this will change with the valuable work of people like you!

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  8. gatito2 says:

    Thank you again. I agree. We should not live in a society where someone does not feel they can get help due to the stigma of mental illness. That stigma makes people think they are weak because they have depression, that they will be kicked out of school, or fired from their job and it goes on and on….and it all stems from stigma.

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