Some days now, I just don’t want to talk about it anymore. It hurts too much. I’m going to do the promotions I have lined up for my book, and if anyone else offers anything I will gladly do it. I don’t feel right seeking out promotion for my book anymore. I’ve done all I know to do. My book will have to make it on it’s own now. I hope those that thought my book was good will please put a review on Amazon, but I think I’m done now. I’m proud of my book. I think that I have done Kaitlyn justice. But I don’t feel that extreme drive to push anymore with it. I’ve sent it all over the US to medical schools and anyone else that it might help (and wanted it). I’ve announced it to all the places I can think of to announce it and I’ve had great promotions from wonderful people. I still have a few things lined up I hope will come to fruition..
I felt when I wrote my book that it would do justice to her memory and possibly help people. I believe it has done that and hopefully still do that. I don’t feel right pushing it anymore. I feel Kaitlyn’s soft voice telling me “that’s enough momma. You don’t have to do it anymore.”
A year of talking and writing about this horrible event and my drive to do it seems to be coming to an end. It’s not that I don’t feel it even more, quite the contrary. But I feel like any more is no longer helpful to me or anyone else. I’m starting to feel like I’m exploiting her memory now somehow, and I don’t want to do that. I still hurt so terribly bad, just as much as the day I learned of Kaitlyn’s death. But I can’t surround myself with this anymore. Not in this public way.
I love you Kaitlyn. I hope I did you proud.
I hear where you are coming from Rhonda. I think you have done a superb job, for Kaitlyn, for others, and for yourself. I believe that in grief, we come to a point when you turn a corner and start the next chapter. It is not an end-point at all, but there are steps, so to speak, and you have probably reached one of those points.
Your word will never go out of date, remember that… so no matter how recent or far in the past Kaitlyn’s passing happens to be, your book will remain just as true and valid. Just because it’s 10 months, 15 months or 4 years after the event, anyone if the position of needing some help and support can and will still benefit from your work – and Kaitlyn’s memory will live on too through that work.
But yes, your first part of the healing process may have come to a turning point, even if not an end. Maybe now you can dedicate a little time for you, and your husband. Yes, there will still be much to do on the book front I’m sure, and yes, you will continue to fight on through the pain, guilt and raft of other weird and not always explainable emotions, day in day out… but perhaps as I say, you can start to look forward to more than just ‘tomorrow’.
Be strong, and I have stated before, you are doing great, all things considered.
Thank you Spike. All you said is so true. I’ve not come to any form of decrease in my grief, actually it is still there just as strong as ever and I still cry all the time. It’s just that this writing and being so public, well, I feel a need to stop. It’s just becoming too painful now. I think I will now go back to my private self. But by gosh I’m still sooo devastated.
Grief is like poison; it takes a long time to clear the system, but it has to come out, so don’t fight it.
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