In the Night

I guess this past mother’s day was harder than what I had expected. Spending an entire day in front of others and trying not to cry is more than my body and mind can take and I’ve been physically and mentally pretty sick for the past several days, questioning if the things I do are right or should be done and said at all. I thought I was learning and trying to get through everything this year in a positive way. I still feel stuck in the same place I was on that day I learned of…….my Kaitlyn’s death.

Last night as I was sitting on my couch reflecting on many things and it was still just light enough to see everything but getting dark, I noticed my cat Dagny at the sliding glass door. I had the blinds still open because he likes to see all the critters out there. I looked and I kept seeing things flying back and forth past the doors. I had a feeling I knew what they were. Dagny’s tail was swishing hard back and forth like he does when he see’s something that excites him (and he really wishes he was out there so he could catch, play and/or eat them). I went to the door, sat down beside him and back and forth they flew past my doors. Every 30 seconds or so, one would hit the glass gently and stay for a split second then fly away. They were dragonflies. The first I’ve seen this year. Hi Kaitlyn.

After several minutes I went back to the couch and I never saw another one. A little later on when it was totally dark, I heard Kaitlyn’s cat Gatito jumping onto my glass door in the front living room. I had opened the wooden door earlier so he could see out when it got later in the day and it was still open and it was then dark. I was going to close the door since it was completely dark then. He had been jumping up on the glass because bugs had been landing on it. I went to shut the door, but hated to because he was having such a good time, but I stopped short because the moon had just risen over the trees and it was full and beautiful. There were some long clouds that were just below it that were lit up from its light. It was absolutely beautiful. So I sat down with Gatito as he was busy looking out into the sky as well…..and he purred. Then I looked over to the far right where Kaitlyn’s memorial garden is and I saw the dragonfly on a stick that my sister Gail gave me, and sure to its intended purpose, it was lit up changing colors from blue, to red, to green and over again.

Hello Kaitlyn. I miss you.

dragonfly

mooncat

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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5 Responses to In the Night

  1. Anonymous. says:

    Hi,

    I’m so sorry that these days have been particularly difficult. I wanted to tell you, I hope you are able to move away from this self doubt where you question whether the things you do are right or should be said… From your writing I don’t believe that you would ever say anything to deliberately hurt other people- and so, I would conclude that you have every right to express yourself in the ways that you find most meaningful. You have so much love and goodness in your heart, how could the things you say or do be ” wrong”? You have every right to feel the way you feel, and to express yourself. Your intentions have always been so honorable and admirable. I know you’d written that you don’t really feel like pushing for more exposure for your book at this time- and I think that’s perfectly fine to take a rest from that. You have done so well with that endeavor. But I hope you won’t stop writing. You make the world feel smaller, in a nice way. Somehow you have a particular ability to connect.

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  2. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much. Sometimes I am just riddled with self-doubt now. It may be from going through my whole entire life since Kaitlyn was born and wondering what I could have done differently, what I should have seen that I didn’t see, and what I could have possibly been too blind to see because I saw her as very close to perfect and didn’t see anything else. I’m absolutely tormented. Something she did not want. She wrote not to ever wonder what we could have done and that we were the best parents in the world and she wanted us to be happy again. I wonder if she knew what a very tall and impossible order that would really be?

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  3. Anonymous. says:

    I think that when she wrote that you were the best parents, she truly meant this. It is obvious that you are an excellent mother, the type of mother any child would be so lucky to have- I don’t believe there is anything you could have done differently. Please remember that it seems what happened was a shock to every single person in her life- this makes it seem like there truly were no external clues to the storm within. Teachers, friends, classmates, boyfriend, sister, father- Kaitlyn did not allow anyone much idea of the distress she faced at times. No matter how close we are with people or how much we love them, we cannot read their innermost thoughts- and for that please, please don’t blame yourself.

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  4. gatito2 says:

    Thank you for that. But I so wish I had known. But wishing what could have been means nothing and does nothing but cause even more heartache, but I can’t seem to help it sometimes.

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  5. Anonymous. says:

    I think because outwardly Kaitlyn functioned so successfully, her loved ones will probably always wonder and wish they had known. I hope that as time passes these thoughts won’t feel so all-consuming as they do now: you don’t deserve this self torment, just like your precious daughter didn’t deserve having to face her struggle either.

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