Yesterday I wrote in my blog a post that started with tales of my motorcycle ride with my husband celebrating our 33rd wedding anniversary. I included stories of how and when we started motorcycling and camping. I told the story at the beginning but the last part of my post was how tainted those memories are for me because all my good memories are now tainted with the sadness of losing my daughter Kaitlyn. Then I went on to question where all my past commenters have gone. That is where I went wrong.
A lady commented and told me that after so long (it’s been a year yesterday as I got this congratulations message from WordPress that it has been a year since I joined. I felt no jubilance in this milestone for obvious reasons) that my commenters probably still read my posts but have long run out of things to say since it’s been so long. She was right. I should have never asked. But I did not do it in a mean way. I guess I just wanted to hear from some that I’ve not heard from in a long time. But I see her point. She is right. Just how many “I’m sorry’s” and “I feel your pain” can one say. I understand.
She went on to nicely say that she enjoyed the first part of my story when I told about my husband and our adventures in motorcycling and camping and then she came to the last part where I told how sad I still was. She suggested I start writing more about my husband, my other daughter and the happier things in my life.
But I just want to say, that my blog is not about any of my other adventures. If I wanted to do that I would form another blog entirely. It’s not that I don’t write about my husband, other daughter and other things I try to do to help myself to feel better. If you go to my Facebook you will see where I wrote about my trip yesterday. Down farther is my post about the wonderful husband that I have and have had since 1981. Go down farther and you will see where I bragged relentlessly about my daughter Stephanie as she passed another year in Nursing School and will be graduating in a year and a half. Every time I go somewhere and do something with her or my husband or others in my family, I post it on my Facebook. I still also post about my sadness, but I include the good times as well.
This blog is preserved for something else. As it says in my bio, my blog is to help me make it through the loss of my daughter Kaitlyn by suicide. It’s not a blog about my whole life. This blog and what I write about Kaitlyn is my therapy. Since I found counselors useless for me (I’ve gone through 2 of them since she died) and I can find no suicide survivor’s group anywhere near me, and I am not around that many people to talk to except for my family, this blog has been my lifeline into getting my feelings out. It is my therapy. There have been times when I don’t know what I would have done had I not had this outlet.
So having my extra sensitive feelings hurt yesterday by someone reminding me that I should focus on other people in my family and write about them (which made me feel like they thought I did not care for them….I know this lady did not mean to imply this, but my feelings were hurt none the less) I deleted the whole entire post and her comment along with it, being almost tempted to delete my entire blog. Or at the very least quit posting on it at all. But I just can’t delete a year’s worth of my feelings, so it will stay as it is.
I thought along with getting my feelings out, that I may have been helping people along the way. And I think I have. But I think this has run its limits as far as helping people and I’m just sorry that it’s so sad. I’m sorry I even have to have a reason for this blog. I’m sorry about so many things. I’m a mixed up, depressed, way too sensitive person (especially since my daughter died) who doesn’t know if they should continue to write about it when I feel moved to or not.
I do feel a need to not post as much about my feelings as I’ve said all that can be said. It’s just that I don’t know what to do with this pain. And the pain has only intensified over the months. Now I’m starting to feel like I’m hosting my own pity party, and that is not what I want to portray.
I may still write when I feel moved to. Sometimes I have deep thoughts when it comes to an experience, like one of my last posts “In the night.” Things like that move me to write about it. But I may not post anything else and if I don’t I hope so very much that my blog has helped others as it has helped me and there is plenty to go back and read if anyone feels moved to.
But, I’m sorry to ask where you all have gone and why you don’t comment. I should not have done that. There’s only so much people can say. And I thank you for all that has been said, but I guess all this has run its course.
Thank you ALL for everything. It’s just that I continue to feel so terribly sad that, I may write things I shouldn’t. Perhaps I should not have written this post at all.
Look at me putting all my feelings out there like something silly. Kaitlyn would have NEVER put her feelings out there for the world to see or for anyone to see…..but….she’s also no longer here so…..I thought by getting my feelings out it would be the best thing.
Clearly I’m rambling now and need to close. Perhaps my own depression is deepening and I no longer know what I’m writing about or how to take what anyone says the right way….I don’t know…I’m just a mess. I hope you don’t hold that against me either. I once wrote some worthy things.
BUT, I want to extend my sincere gratitude for each and every one of you that has commented, liked, and supported me during this whole past year, and there have been MANY of you. I appreciate it more than you will ever know and to ask where my commenters have gone was making it look like I’ve been abandoned, and I haven’t and didn’t mean to imply this. But I’m rather messed up right now so please don’t hold it against me.
Thank you all.
Below is a pic of my husband and I just a few months ago. We are smiling but it’s not really real and I think I’ve aged 10 years since Kaitlyn died. This is me now.
Good bye to you all IF I don’t post again.