Kaitlyn Moments

It’s funny how one’s mind latches on to certain things and keeps them as a memory forever when at other times they pass, forever forgotten with all the other millions of memories of a regular day. What is it that makes us remember certain things and others not? Perhaps it’s their significance.

I remember distinctly a moment in time when I was pregnant with my 2nd and last child Kaitlyn. I had been put on bed rest by my doctor a little more than a month before I was due. My blood pressure was up and I was swelling. The same thing happened with my oldest daughter Stephanie, but bed rest did not matter, I had both of them a month early.

But as I was lying there on my couch watching TV while on bed rest, I remember feeling Kaitlyn (I didn’t know if she was a boy or girl, you were not able to find out then) kicking as I lay there. And then the strongest feeling of realization came over me; this is the last period of time I will ever get to feel a child move inside of me because I knew it was going to be my last child. We said we were going to have just two and this baby was the second.

I remember that feeling just as if it were yesterday and feeling what a truly special moment it was.

Kaitlyn came a month early but still weight in at 6.7 oz. The doctor said she would have been an 8 pound baby if I had carried her to term. She was perfect in every way, but the nurse said she thought she stopped breathing while she was holding her so they put an apnea monitor on her and she went home with it. She had to wear it for 3 months. But she never quit breathing. If the alarm ever went off it was due to the leads falling off or coming lose.

She grew into a healthy child. She very rarely got sick except for stomach aches. I don’t think she ever threw up the whole time she was growing up. Only one time did she get really sick. I asked my mother in law to keep her while I went to work because she was too sick to go to school. I asked her to take her to the doctor and she did. While I was at work the doctor called me and said Kaitlyn was so sick that she had to be admitted into the hospital. She was in first grade.

I left work, she was admitted with a fever of 104. Kaitlyn always being a very loving child (but never clingy) and would let me hug her all I ever wanted, was at this time very different. She was so very sick that she did not want me or anyone else to touch her. She would not even get under the covers. She would just lay there, silent and miserable. I could not comfort her though I tried. She was just so very sick. I stayed with her 24/7.

Her fever rose and fell at intervals for a few days and after then with the antibiotics she got well. She had some kind of bacterial infection…I can’t even remember what.

I’ve often thought back over the years about how sick she was and how she could not stand being touched at that time. It was so unlike her not to want touch. But when you feel that bad, you don’t want to be messed with, or at least some people don’t. Now that she is gone, I remember that she never wanted to talk if she was emotionally distraught about something (boyfriend breakups, worrying about getting in med school) and all that. She’d rather do anything than talk about it, whereas when times were good and all was well, we could talk on and on about any and everything.

Maybe in her depression she also did not want to talk about it. If it’s not talked about maybe it will just go away. Maybe it was like a fever that made you feel so bad you did not want to be touched.

There are so many special moments in time I have in my head about Kaitlyn. From the time I laid my eyes on her for the first time my heart swelled with love for this child and only grew and grew over time. There’s not one time in my life, her whole life, that just by merely thinking about her my eyes would not tear up and my heart swell with love.

I can still feel her moving within me, just not in the same way of course as she did as an unborn child. But she is there within me just the same.

To lose someone you love like this…..oh all the words in the English language would struggle to describe it. And what it does to one’s heart….well….there are no words.

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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2 Responses to Kaitlyn Moments

  1. Rowan says:

    I have just come across this site and have read many of your blogs. I remember questioning life and the universe as a young child, but when my mum asked if I was okay I lied to her because I didn’t want her to hear my deep, dark thoughts about life and death. I wanted to shield her, so she wouldn’t get depressed or anxious. I knew that nothing she could have said would have allayed my fears, because she couldn’t change how the world works. I love my mum so much. I wanted to protect her and didn’t want her to have dark thoughts. When I read that you wondered how your daughter couldn’t confide in you and also that if you had known you could have helped her it reminded me of my experiences as a child. Your daughter obviously loved you more than anything and so kept her depression private to shield you because she was a selfless person who loved her mum immensely. Never apologise for the feelings you have about your daughter, Kaitlyn. Keep on writing about her. We all come from stars so I think that’s where we go. Keep hold of every happy memory of her and live your life how she would want you to. Be happy in her memory, for her. She would not want you to be sad. She would want you to do what makes you happy. The book you have written has more impact than you know. Keep on being you , you’re helping others, and in so doing are helping yourself. Best wishes for the future. xxxx

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  2. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much for all of your kind words.

    I always knew Kaitlyn thought very deep thoughts even as a child. She did not sit around brooding over them, but was an active child and teenager and young adult. The thing is I think very deeply as well and we would often talk of the ways of the world and ponder the universe and talk about books and all those things but none of that was in a sad way. It was just wonderings. But perhaps the part of me that also ponders the problems of this world, thoughts I never shared with her mostly, were the kind of thoughts she was also thinking. I did not worry that she thought things that would cause her to be depressed because, she had so much interest and love for life and was so talented and seemingly happy….I did not know any of what she must have been feeling. She probably did not want to trouble me with her problems as I have been struggling with depression for years. If not for that maybe she would have come to me.

    I know she wants me to be a happy again. But she must have known how impossible such a wish for me would be if she was no longer on this earth.

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