It’s funny how one’s mind latches on to certain things and keeps them as a memory forever when at other times they pass, forever forgotten with all the other millions of memories of a regular day. What is it that makes us remember certain things and others not? Perhaps it’s their significance.
I remember distinctly a moment in time when I was pregnant with my 2nd and last child Kaitlyn. I had been put on bed rest by my doctor a little more than a month before I was due. My blood pressure was up and I was swelling. The same thing happened with my oldest daughter Stephanie, but bed rest did not matter, I had both of them a month early.
But as I was lying there on my couch watching TV while on bed rest, I remember feeling Kaitlyn (I didn’t know if she was a boy or girl, you were not able to find out then) kicking as I lay there. And then the strongest feeling of realization came over me; this is the last period of time I will ever get to feel a child move inside of me because I knew it was going to be my last child. We said we were going to have just two and this baby was the second.
I remember that feeling just as if it were yesterday and feeling what a truly special moment it was.
Kaitlyn came a month early but still weight in at 6.7 oz. The doctor said she would have been an 8 pound baby if I had carried her to term. She was perfect in every way, but the nurse said she thought she stopped breathing while she was holding her so they put an apnea monitor on her and she went home with it. She had to wear it for 3 months. But she never quit breathing. If the alarm ever went off it was due to the leads falling off or coming lose.
She grew into a healthy child. She very rarely got sick except for stomach aches. I don’t think she ever threw up the whole time she was growing up. Only one time did she get really sick. I asked my mother in law to keep her while I went to work because she was too sick to go to school. I asked her to take her to the doctor and she did. While I was at work the doctor called me and said Kaitlyn was so sick that she had to be admitted into the hospital. She was in first grade.
I left work, she was admitted with a fever of 104. Kaitlyn always being a very loving child (but never clingy) and would let me hug her all I ever wanted, was at this time very different. She was so very sick that she did not want me or anyone else to touch her. She would not even get under the covers. She would just lay there, silent and miserable. I could not comfort her though I tried. She was just so very sick. I stayed with her 24/7.
Her fever rose and fell at intervals for a few days and after then with the antibiotics she got well. She had some kind of bacterial infection…I can’t even remember what.
I’ve often thought back over the years about how sick she was and how she could not stand being touched at that time. It was so unlike her not to want touch. But when you feel that bad, you don’t want to be messed with, or at least some people don’t. Now that she is gone, I remember that she never wanted to talk if she was emotionally distraught about something (boyfriend breakups, worrying about getting in med school) and all that. She’d rather do anything than talk about it, whereas when times were good and all was well, we could talk on and on about any and everything.
Maybe in her depression she also did not want to talk about it. If it’s not talked about maybe it will just go away. Maybe it was like a fever that made you feel so bad you did not want to be touched.
There are so many special moments in time I have in my head about Kaitlyn. From the time I laid my eyes on her for the first time my heart swelled with love for this child and only grew and grew over time. There’s not one time in my life, her whole life, that just by merely thinking about her my eyes would not tear up and my heart swell with love.
I can still feel her moving within me, just not in the same way of course as she did as an unborn child. But she is there within me just the same.
To lose someone you love like this…..oh all the words in the English language would struggle to describe it. And what it does to one’s heart….well….there are no words.