I’m Going to See a Psychologist

I have finally decided I should see a psychologist. Not a psychiatrist, not a counselor, not a family nurse practitioner or a physician assistant (though I have great respect for all of them), but a psychologist.

A brief history of my depression for those that don’t know. I had my first bout of depression in 1999 when I was 39 years old and I had been working in a stressful (for me) nursing job for 4 years. I sought mental health care with the whole shebang. I was put on medication. I changed to a lower stress nursing job. I got better in a few months and stopped my medication on my own (I do NOT recommend anyone doing that as it usually has bad results, but for some reason it did not for me that time).

I was mentally well for 10 years, happily working in my less stressful nursing job. Then I had the wild idea that my nursing skills were going by the wayside and I wanted to do “real” nursing as a hospital floor nurse on a medical/surgical floor. I wanted to use my skills there and I wanted to make more money. (I made over twice what I made in my lower stress nursing job……I will tell you…money is NOT everything and you will NOT do almost anything as long as you make lots of money).

3 years of intense, high stress, over 12 hour shifts, night shift, day shift rotations and I was completely shot. I had to go on medical leave. I should have never gone to that job. While on medical leave I sought mental health help. Also while on medical leave I found another lower stress nursing job and quit my hospital job. That was in 2009.

I have had problems with depression ever since and have gone through multiple psychiatrists, counselors and medications and it took hard work and multiple changes to get feeling better, but one day I did feel better. From 2012 until 4-12-13 I did much better and stayed on the same medication from then on and didn’t even have to take but one medication for depression.

Then Kaitlyn killed herself. While I was struggling with my depression, she was fighting a horrible silent battle with her own depression that no one knew about. I could not even conceive of the fact that she could ever be depressed and well….you know the rest of the story.

After she died I continued with my same medication, my same psychiatrist and told him I didn’t want to change medicines because no pill can ease the loss I feel so deeply. I did start counseling, but I have a suspicion that the counselor did not have experience with those that have lost loved ones to suicide. Though nice, I got no real help for how I felt. So I quit going. Then I saw another counselor that was a preacher and I had more knowledge of suicide than he did. So I quit going.

Since that time I have sought out NO more mental health professionals and even quit my psychiatrist because I was managed so well on my meds all I needed was med monitoring and a regular MD can do that.

My therapy was my writing. That was the only therapy for me. No one could talk to me. Not my momma, who I love dearly, not my sisters, not my husband, not anyone. Sometimes I can open up and talk and cry, but for the most part I’m a mixture of dead inside and pain inside. I can get a good deal of relief when I’m with my daughter Stephanie. But she has her own sorrow to deal with in all this and I can’t see her all the time.

I’m unable to find a job other than nursing now. Who knows what the reason. Maybe everyone now thinks I would not be reliable because of all I’ve been through. When in fact I have been reliable all my life.

So in desperation, I went online and found a psychologist that has experience in losing someone to suicide that is an hour away from me and is covered on my insurance. I found her site last night and she had her email address on there. I emailed her a brief description of what has happened and how I feel and she called me this morning. She would have seen me today if it had been an emergency (no one has ever told me that…..they would always just say go to the ER if it was really bad and I had to wait for an apt for 3 weeks or so).

I told her it was not an emergency and that I could wait for the next apt time. So I will see her bright and early next Monday.

She won’t bring my Kaitlyn back. She won’t be able to extinguish the great sorrow and despair I have over losing her. But maybe…..JUST maybe….she will help me WANT to live again and therefore help me FIND a way to live again. That is a tall order for anyone, but I will try my best. Wish me luck.

If not that, then I just don’t know. Let’s just hope it all works out.

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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20 Responses to I’m Going to See a Psychologist

  1. Marie says:

    A great step. You shouldn’t be fighting this battle of grief and depression on your own (although I am sure you have your family and friends around you, sometimes you just need someone outside of that circle). Best of luck on this great step you are taking!

    Like

  2. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Marie.

    Like

  3. Sd1187 says:

    That’s so wonderful. It can take awhile and many different therapists until you find one you connect with… Sometimes it eventually seems like it’s not worth the time and effort. But when you do eventually find someone who “gets you”, it can be life-changing. I hope things go well! Good luck!

    Like

  4. JCox says:

    Prayers and peace.

    Like

  5. gatito2 says:

    Thank you.

    Like

  6. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I really do hope she can help me.

    Like

  7. Uncle Spike says:

    In a word, good… clever folk, them psychologists 🙂

    Like

  8. Gemma says:

    It sounds like you are taking a very positive step. From what you’ve written, the psychologist seems professional and responsive.

    I hope you “click” with the psychologist and find the appointment(s) beneficial.

    Like

  9. gatito2 says:

    Thank you. I hope this works too. I’m counting on it. I don’t know what else to do.

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  10. AnnetteM says:

    Hoping all goes well on Monday…good luck!

    Like

  11. gatito2 says:

    Thank you.

    Like

  12. I hope it works out for you. I am glad you are seeking help. Good luck and remember, you are not alone. I am here for you too.

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  13. gatito2 says:

    Thank you.

    Like

  14. I see some kind of licensed family therapist, I have no idea what all the letters after her name mean. I just know she “gets it”. That is what you need, someone who understands the specific nature of your grief and can work you through it. Hope this one you’ve found is the right fit.

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  15. gatito2 says:

    I agree. Thank you Pam.

    Like

  16. Lisa Soles says:

    Aunt Rhonda, I am so happy that you found someone close by and someone your insurance covers. Those two things are answers to prayers! I’m praying that she will be able to help you with your grief and healing. Just always remember that I love you, and so very many family members and friends are praying for you at all times!

    Like

  17. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Lisa. I hope this will help me. At least I’m going to try. I know you all love me and I’m so grateful for that. I love you too.

    Like

  18. Nancy says:

    I’m so pleased that you’ve taken this step Rhonda. I admire how hard you keep trying even when you feel discouraged. It’s very inspirational to me when I deal with my daughter’s depression.

    Have you seen the psychologist once or more yet? Does she seem helpful?

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  19. gatito2 says:

    Nancy, I saw her for the first time last week but it was more or less me talking and telling her what was going on. It will be more treatment next week. I have an appt on Thursday of this week again.

    Like

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