I have finally resumed my watching of the old series “Lost” since Kaitlyn died. I know everyone knew about and has watched this series back in 2004 (I think) when it came out, but I never did. I wrongly thought that it was a reality show and I avoided it like the plague. I feel the same way about reality TV as I do rap music. But that is my personal view and I know that I’m really in the minority on that.

Anyway, the very last week I was to see Kaitlyn alive she came home for Easter and on that weekend when we were looking on Netflix for something good to watch she said, “Momma, Lost is a really good series I think you would like it.” Once she told me it was not another reality show I thought I would try it and we both set about watching it from episode one, season one. She had watched it years ago. About 20 episodes later I declared what I felt from the first episode that it was the best series I had ever watched. It kept you on the edge of your seat wondering what would happen next. I never watched another series that made me feel like that and I was enthralled.

We happily binge watched this series until episode 20 something or other then she took the weeklong visit to see her boyfriend. The next Sunday she came back home and she needed to rest up for her drive back to her apartment which was three and a half hours away. But before she went she said she wanted to watch some more “Lost” as I had waited to watch another episode with her. So we did.

The last day I ever saw Kaitlyn alive we watched two episodes of “Lost.” Then she got her cat and her bag, got in her car after hugging us goodbye and my telling her that we would go see her in May, the next month. I hugged her little body and of course, as I always did, smelled her hair.

After Kaitlyn died, and the funeral was over and all the people went home I tried to resume the series because it was the last thing we shared together. I could not watch it because every time I did I fell asleep. As a matter of fact, I fell asleep on a lot of things then including my preacher’s visit. I was medicated by my doctor for anxiety and I had never taken that particular medicine before and once I got still, I always fell asleep taking me blissfully away until I woke up the next time to remember my baby was dead.

So, two days ago, I decided to watch the series from where we left off. The thrill of this episode for me is still in full force and I feel close to Kaitlyn when I watch it. I am now on Season 3 so please don’t tell me how the rest goes….please!

But in watching this show, I see it a bit differently than I did with Kaitlyn. I feel now that my world is just like the world of the people on that God forsaken island that they cannot get off of. My life and its changes parallel with episode one in the crashing of that plane on that island. A horribly traumatic event. My trying to navigate this new world without Kaitlyn in it and how she left it is like the people trying to figure out what this island is all about. It’s mysterious, dangerous and deadly. And every single time they go about trying to figure out these mysteries, the more they are confused about the things they find out. It’s an endless cycle of search, bewilderment, scratching and fighting to stay alive in a place they cannot figure out and can never, ever seem to leave.

They are on this island that no one knows about and no matter how far they go on any boat that they may acquire, they still wind up back there.

This is my life now. I’m on some Godforsaken land that I cannot find a way off of. I can’t figure out my surroundings and the more I learn, the less I understand. It’s deadly, dangerous and bewildering. But I do not feel the thrill of this new life of mine as I do with the series. It’s one thing to watch it, it’s quite another to live it for real.

This is my life now. It’s just like this series. I am “Lost.” And I don’t think I will ever leave here.

About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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