I know I said back in November I was going back part time to my RN job, but for reasons I’m not sure about, it never materialized. Perhaps that was the best because maybe I was not ready then.
But I have found out today from my former employer that I can start my old job back part time, 3 days a week starting 8-25-14. And this is a for sure thing.
I have sat around this house writing and also descending into some great abyss, turning into someone I don’t even know because my heart is so broken. I’m depressed, I’ve gained weight, and life is a dark place no matter who tells me they love me…..because I have been devastated Kaitlyn. I will always be devastated. Also in these 16 months I felt sure that I would die. Sometimes I actually prayed for it, one of the few prayers I have prayed since you took your life because I simply don’t know how to live without your beautiful presence in my life; without being able to see you fulfil the dreams you had all your life. I thought one day that I would simply not wake up, or have a heart attack or stroke, or die from reasons the medical personnel could never figure out, which would in fact, be of a broken heart. But tests can’t determine that.
Losing you has made me not want to live. It has me having little interest in anything, and it has made me irritable and those that love me are helpless to know what to do for me. But they continue to try anyway.
But I’ve started thinking Kaitlyn. I don’t know in what form your spirit resides or where, but wherever it is in the cosmos that your spirit has gone and you can still see me here on earth and are aware of what you left behind, it fills me with great sorrow to know how regretful and hurt you would feel by being the cause of my no longer wanting to live. You would not want me sitting around here all the time hearing your voice in my mind and reliving your entire life continuously and wondering what it was that I missed to let me know you were in trouble with your state of mind. You would not want to see me slowly losing my mind over the loss of you. You would not want to know that you have ruined my life because you took your life. But the fact is, I’m changed, I always will be because I have lost someone that was in my soul and continues to be. But I still love you. I still miss you and I always will. I am not angry at you for the disease of depression making you think you were beyond help.
So in order for you not to have to see my life disintegrate totally, I owe it to you and the rest of my family members to see if I can still go on somehow with my life. To tell you the truth, I don’t want to Kaitlyn. It’s so hard to even imagine that I can do anything normally ever again and it’s quite frightening and horrible thinking I will be in this world without you in it….working and trying to get along. But I will do it anyway Kaitlyn. I will do it for you, I will do it for my family and just maybe one day I will be doing it for myself as well.
I know you know that because I am getting out and trying that it in no way means I’m “moving on” or “getting over your loss” or have accepted your loss. It does not mean that my heart does not grieve for you every minute of the day. It just means I’m stuck here living without you Kaitlyn and I can’t do a darned thing about it but get out there and look like I’m living again. But I will try my best.
There is no way that you can possibly know the extent of what you brought to my life with your sweetness, caring ways and all the many, many special things that were so unique to you. But I did an awful lot of trying to tell you just how much I loved you. I told you all the time…… All the time how special you were.
I don’t like this world you have left me in Kaitlyn. I had a hard enough time with this world before you left, but losing you has made it so much harder a hundred fold.
But I do know one thing without a doubt, that though I suffer so horribly without you, I cherish every single moment I had with you on this earth for 23 years. You brought to my life so much love, beauty and love of life that I will cherish those days until I breathe my last breath and meet you again my sweet, sweet girl.
So I take this step out into the world Kaitlyn. I continue to go see a psychologist weekly to try to deprogram those horrible things I see in my mind continously. I still plan on doing some volunteer work. I will go through this life and do my best but my life will forever be gray without your brightness in it. I will always, always think of you and know how very fortunate that I had the honor to be your mother if only for 23 years.
You will see your Momma try Kaitlyn because that’s what I think you would want. I don’t want you to see me this way. I don’t want you feeling that you were the cause of whatever would become of me if I don’t try. You hurt enough in your soul Kaitlyn, I will not have you feel guilty for anything that happens to me.
I love you Kaitlyn. Oh my gosh how I miss you. I’m so glad that you were sent to me to love. I just wish I could have done more.
I will love you forever and you will be in my thoughts until my last breath.
And I just want to thank you…….