Dear Kaitlyn: I’m Going Back to Work Now

Dear Kaitlyn,

I know I said back in November I was going back part time to my RN job, but for reasons I’m not sure about, it never materialized. Perhaps that was the best because maybe I was not ready then.

But I have found out today from my former employer that I can start my old job back part time, 3 days a week starting 8-25-14. And this is a for sure thing.

I have sat around this house writing and also descending into some great abyss, turning into someone I don’t even know because my heart is so broken. I’m depressed, I’ve gained weight, and life is a dark place no matter who tells me they love me…..because I have been devastated Kaitlyn. I will always be devastated. Also in these 16 months I felt sure that I would die. Sometimes I actually prayed for it, one of the few prayers I have prayed since you took your life because I simply don’t know how to live without your beautiful presence in my life; without being able to see you fulfil the dreams you had all your life. I thought one day that I would simply not wake up, or have a heart attack or stroke, or die from reasons the medical personnel could never figure out, which would in fact, be of a broken heart. But tests can’t determine that.

Losing you has made me not want to live. It has me having little interest in anything, and it has made me irritable and those that love me are helpless to know what to do for me. But they continue to try anyway.

But I’ve started thinking Kaitlyn. I don’t know in what form your spirit resides or where, but wherever it is in the cosmos that your spirit has gone and you can still see me here on earth and are aware of what you left behind, it fills me with great sorrow to know how regretful and hurt you would feel by being the cause of my no longer wanting to live. You would not want me sitting around here all the time hearing your voice in my mind and reliving your entire life continuously and wondering what it was that I missed to let me know you were in trouble with your state of mind. You would not want to see me slowly losing my mind over the loss of you. You would not want to know that you have ruined my life because you took your life. But the fact is, I’m changed, I always will be because I have lost someone that was in my soul and continues to be. But I still love you. I still miss you and I always will. I am not angry at you for the disease of depression making you think you were beyond help.

So in order for you not to have to see my life disintegrate totally, I owe it to you and the rest of my family members to see if I can still go on somehow with my life. To tell you the truth, I don’t want to Kaitlyn. It’s so hard to even imagine that I can do anything normally ever again and it’s quite frightening and horrible thinking I will be in this world without you in it….working and trying to get along. But I will do it anyway Kaitlyn. I will do it for you, I will do it for my family and just maybe one day I will be doing it for myself as well.

I know you know that because I am getting out and trying that it in no way means I’m “moving on” or “getting over your loss” or have accepted your loss. It does not mean that my heart does not grieve for you every minute of the day. It just means I’m stuck here living without you Kaitlyn and I can’t do a darned thing about it but get out there and look like I’m living again. But I will try my best.

There is no way that you can possibly know the extent of what you brought to my life with your sweetness, caring ways and all the many, many special things that were so unique to you. But I did an awful lot of trying to tell you just how much I loved you. I told you all the time…… All the time how special you were.

I don’t like this world you have left me in Kaitlyn. I had a hard enough time with this world before you left, but losing you has made it so much harder a hundred fold.

But I do know one thing without a doubt, that though I suffer so horribly without you, I cherish every single moment I had with you on this earth for 23 years. You brought to my life so much love, beauty and love of life that I will cherish those days until I breathe my last breath and meet you again my sweet, sweet girl.

So I take this step out into the world Kaitlyn. I continue to go see a psychologist weekly to try to deprogram those horrible things I see in my mind continously. I still plan on doing some volunteer work. I will go through this life and do my best but my life will forever be gray without your brightness in it. I will always, always think of you and know how very fortunate that I had the honor to be your mother if only for 23 years.

You will see your Momma try Kaitlyn because that’s what I think you would want. I don’t want you to see me this way. I don’t want you feeling that you were the cause of whatever would become of me if I don’t try. You hurt enough in your soul Kaitlyn, I will not have you feel guilty for anything that happens to me.

I love you Kaitlyn. Oh my gosh how I miss you. I’m so glad that you were sent to me to love. I just wish I could have done more.

I will love you forever and you will be in my thoughts until my last breath.

And I just want to thank you…….

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About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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11 Responses to Dear Kaitlyn: I’m Going Back to Work Now

  1. Viral sheth says:

    Dear Rhonda
    My wife and I are both physicians and we lost our 16 y/o daughter to suicide from depression 2 weeks ago.
    The pain is piercing and the emotions are raw and we are just now getting over the shock.
    Thank for sharing your story of returning to work and moving forward with your life and also carrying the scar with you by never forgetting how much she meant to you. Our sweet little girl also was very bright and buried her sadness so deep inside that neither us nor mental health professionals were able to see the true extent. We have an older daughter 19 who also is traumatized. I will go on for my living daughter and my wonderful wife. I am glad my younger daughter is no longer suffering but we miss her so much and only wish we could have done more. We know that nothing will bring her back so we will honor her by beginning the rest of our journey carrying this horrific scar .
    God bless you
    Viral Sheth

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  2. gatito2 says:

    Oh Viral, I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter! My heart goes out to you, your wife and other daughter as well as the rest of your family. I’m so sorry that your daughter was so depressed that depression caused her to take her own life. I wish I could tell you that your daughter and my daughter, who seemingly had the whole world in their grasp, were the few that this happened to, but unfortunately, that is not the case. I can’t begin to tell you how many psychiatrists, all types of physicians, lawyers, and people of all walks of life that have emailed me to tell me that they too have lost their brilliant child. All loss by suicide is terrible, but it’s when those that you think are so happy die by suicide it’s just so hard to wrap your head around it.

    I’ve written about this so much, but it still is so shocking that someone can hide their depression so well. I did not know that before my daughter died, but way too late, I found it out after her death, along with many other things. I think in my daughter’s case, though I can never be sure, that she suffered from existential depression. I can suggest an excellent book about that from an expert in that type of depression; Dr. James Webb PhD, if you are interested whenever you feel like reading again.

    It was very hard to decide to go back to work. I really just wanted to lay around here and die and write about dying. But I owe it to my daughter’s memory to try to go on. That’s all any of us can do as we have no choice unless we die ourselves.

    If you ever need an ear, you or your wife or anyone, please feel free to send me an email welding81@intrstar.net (note spelling of intrstar). I would love to hear from you and will read anything you have to say about your daughter. But I know now is a very raw time for you. But if you would ever like, I would love to hear from you again.

    Peace be with you.
    Rhonda

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  3. Sd1187 says:

    This is an incredibly significant step. I can’t imagine how much strength it is taking for you to do this. It will be so very difficult and it’s ok for you to even fall and have to get back up again a few times, because every additional little step (or leap in this case!) you take is an accomplishment that your daughter will be proud of. I bet you’re absolutely right that she wants to not have hurt you so badly, and every day that you make it through is another ounce of weight off of her soul. You love her so much to still be able to try to do what you can to bring peace to her soul even in the midst of your hurt and despair. It’s amazing how you can still be an amazing mother to Kaitlyn even when she is not here on Earth with you.

    “One of the toughest experiences to go through is to be someone’s strength while you’re at your weakest.” Not only are you doing that for your daughter’s soul, but also for the many lives that you touch every day through your efforts.

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  4. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much for that. Your comment touched my heart very deeply and made me feel good along with making me cry. (but the crying is good….I do it all the time. It’s a good release). Thank you again for your support and your very kind and moving words.

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  5. J says:

    How could you not want to live when you have your other daughter here to think about? I think that comments like that are why you have gotten statements from people about how it seems like you overshadow everything about your living daughter by Kaitlyn’s death. I hope immersing yourself in work helps you cope with this tragedy.

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  6. gatito2 says:

    I was going to delete your reply but choose to keep it here because I want to tell you something. Have you lost a child to suicide? Are you depressed? If you have then I’m so sorry and I applaude your ability to not focus completely on the loss of your child even though you have everyone else that loves you and you love. Kaitlyn knew I loved her and knew how many others loved her but her depression still caused her to take her life. I suffer from depression myself and the loss of my child. I love my other daughter just as much as I love Kaitlyn but this blog is NOT about her though I have posted a few things about my family. I post about my other daughter and family on my facebook regularly but not here. This is not what I made this blog for. This is my grieving place. It’s not my blog to tell the world what I think about my other family. Stephanie knows how much I love her. I don’t have to prove to you or to anyone else how much I love her because she KNOWS it. This blog is not about her, my husband or anything else but trying to work through my grief.

    And did you not READ this post?? Did you not see that I’m trying my best to work hard at making it in this world BECAUSE of my love for Kaitlyn, my other daughter Stephanie, my husband and my loved ones?

    And I have not gotten but one or two comments about not talking about Stephanie on here in the over 500 posts I have posted.

    I think you are being rude and judgmental and I hope you enjoy pouring gasoline onto an already burning flame. You have a right to your opinion and I have my own right as well and my opinion is that you need to find something else to do rather than judge me. If you’ve never lost a child to suicide, I hope you never have to learn what it is like. If you have and you have come out all perfect then good for you. Now leave me alone. This has made me hurt and angry, which is by all means what I’m sure you intended. How happy you must feel.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Randall P. Robinson says:

    “J”, when Rhonda wrote the following passage, she might as well have been talking about me: “I felt sure that I would die. Sometimes I actually prayed for it, one of the few prayers I have prayed since you took your life because I simply don’t know how to live without your beautiful presence in my life; without being able to see you fulfil the dreams you had all your life. I thought one day that I would simply not wake up, or have a heart attack or stroke, or die from reasons the medical personnel could never figure out, which would in fact, be of a broken heart. But tests can’t determine that.

    Losing you has made me not want to live. It has me having little interest in anything, and it has made me irritable and those that love me are helpless to know what to do for me. But they continue to try anyway.”

    I experienced these same feelings after losing my own 15 year-old son to suicide. I have often said that were it not for my other two daughters, I probably wouldn’t be here today. I, therefore, have the utmost compassion for parents who have lost only children to suicide. Perhaps, most surprising is just how common thoughts of suicide happen to be among those bereaved by the suicide of a close family member. Suicide is, itself, a risk factor for other suicides in what has been termed the “contagion effect”.

    The sad fact of the matter is that suicide DOES overshadow everything in our lives, including all of our personal relationships. It hangs over our family relationships like an ever-present dark cloud. It colors our relationships with other family members. They know how grievously wounded that we are, yet they feel helpless to bring us any significant comfort or relief. Many family members find it difficult to even talk about the issues surrounding the death of loved ones lost to suicide. Even the unacknowledged discussions that never take place cast a pall of silence over our remaining relationships with other surviving family members. So the pain is ever-present even when it is not specifically acknowledged or discussed in family settings.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much for that Randall.

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  9. Nancy says:

    Hello Rhonda. I’m glad you included the comment from J. and your response to it. You expressed your anger and hurt so well. This blog is a forum for you to share your on-going pain and despair at Kaitlyn’s death; it’s not a venue for you to be judged.

    I was reminded of the autobiography of Neal Peart (singer in the band Rush). His daughter died in a car accident and his wife (the girl’s mother) literally died of grief about six months later. She suffered the same feelings as you do. It must take incredible strength for you to get up each day and fight the same battle. I agree completely that your daily struggle for meaning in your life is the best way to honour Kaitlyn and her memory. This is an important breakthrough for you…. congratulations dear.

    Are you starting back to work next week?

    Hugs,
    Nancy

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  10. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Nancy. Sometimes I remove hurtful comments (there have not been that many) so I don’t even give it my energy to reply because it’s not worth it. But sometimes, I leave them up so I can tell them how I feel and so people can see how some people feel. It’s my way to show the world how ignorant some people are about depression.

    I can see how that mother died after her daughter’s death. I really honestly thought I would do the same thing. I don’t know how I have lived….how my body has not just shut down and revolted over this catastrophic event. But I keep waking up anyway…I don’t know how.

    Yes, I start back to work 8-25-14 after almost 17 months of being out. (actually I had quit and got my job back part time).

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  11. Nancy says:

    Oh I’m so glad you’ll have something to keep you busy during the long days! You’ll probably feel kind of exhausted at first. Please let us know how you’re managing at work and if it gives you a few minutes of peace and freedom from painful thoughts each day.

    Sincerely,

    Nancy

    Like

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