I’ve had a very complicated day where I have felt hopeful, scared, mad, sad, excited all in one rollercoaster ride.
It started out early this morning with my one hour drive to see my psychologist to start my first session of EMDR. I heard it was very hard at first because she makes me live through in my mind and tell her what I saw and how I felt about the worst thing that keeps running around in my head like a movie that won’t cut off. There’s many horrible things, but I had to choose the most traumatic so she can kind of de-program those horrible thoughts into something manageable. I didn’t really worry about this as I write a lot of things that just thinking about them upset me, but writing about them relieves some of the pressure. It was harder than I thought. More about that later.
So as I drive this one hour drive, as I always do I do a lot of thinking and my plans to go back to work and all. Then my mind moved to the thought of just how angry I have been with God ever since Kaitlyn died. I know some of you will cringe at that, but it’s the truth. I think God would understand. I’ve been angry with him because my prayers did not come true to help keep my children safe and let them make good decisions. I wondered after Kaitlyn died, what’s the point in praying? It must make no difference. I’ve also been angry that he did not send his angels to put that thought into Kaitlyn’s head in her time of despair that life might just be worth fighting for. I know some that have been saved from the brink of suicide by “some quiet but strong voice” or feeling. Why did this not happen with Kaitlyn? People keep telling me that God can’t interfere with free will. But my daughter was ill and did not have rational thinking at the time….she did this of her free will, but she was sick. Why couldn’t he interfere with that? And don’t get me started on how I feel about all the injustices and horrible things that happen in this world and the evil that some people do. I won’t even go into that, but that has nothing to do with this point I’m trying to make.
I’ve been angry with God for a long time now. But on the drive to my appointment I had this thought occur to me; I’m being angry at the one being that I hope with all my heart that Kaitlyn is with. I hope she is in His presence surrounded by peace, happiness and love. How can I be angry at him when with him is where I so want her to be?
Then I began to think about what people have always said about forgiveness. Even if someone has done something horrible to someone you love or to you, the only way for you to feel any better is to forgive that person because if you don’t, you won’t be hurting them, but hurting yourself. All that anger just festers up inside of you until it turns you into something you don’t want to be. And the more I thought about it the more I thought what is the use in being mad at God? If I continue to be angry with him, I will turn into a very bitter and angry woman for the rest of my life and I don’t want that.
I have always cringed at the platitudes (well that’s what I always thought they were) that well-meaning people would tell me like, “It was God’s will” or “we will all know his plan one day” and those kinds of things. But the truth of it is, I don’t know his plans, none of us do and I have to think that in the grand scheme of things that somehow everything will fit and make sense. Not on this earth, but the existence we have when we die. I hope to God that there must have been some plan in mind for my Kaitlyn and that now she is, like she said in a visitation dream, “exactly where I’m supposed to be.” I have to cling to this. That’s not to mean to sound like I think suicide should be a reason to get to a happier place. Suicide is the result of a very depressed mind and not some grand plan or wonderful escape. But I’m going to have to trust in God now to take care of my Kaitlyn until I am able to see her again. I refuse to think that she no longer exists somewhere. Our soul never dies.
I’m not sure I might not think something entirely different tomorrow, but for today, my heart is softening in my feelings about God. I don’t know the answers to everything no matter how hard I try to ponder them out. So I will just have to let those questions go or they will drive me crazy.
I’ve not accepted her death. I’m so very sad to have lost her and especially that she suffered the way she did in silence. But the only comfort I have is that I will see her again. I have to cling to that.
So during my session with my psychologist and talking about the visions that I have that so disturb me (I would tell you what they are but that might trigger someone or something), I could barely talk about it for crying so hard. It was excruciatingly painful. So painful that for me, a person who has written volumes about my daughter and talk about her freely, this thing that I had to explain I could barely get out of my mouth and I cried so hard. I don’t like to cry in front of people. Not because I’m ashamed or think it a weakness, I just feel uncomfortable crying in front of people. But in the long run she will work with me to make those horrible visions be more tolerable. So I will continue.
After having such an epiphany on the way to the psychologist about God, I was feeling pretty good. After my appointment with the psychiatrist I was pretty traumatized, weak and exhausted. I cried half the way home as I drove. Then I heard the song that I so love and that has always given me such hope since it came out after Kaitlyn died.
I will see you again Kaitlyn. This is just for you.