So many things in my life just rub salt into the deep wound in my heart on a daily basis. Just a minute ago, on The Today Show, they had a small segment and introduced a female MD. Every time I see a female MD on TV it makes me cry because my baby will never be an MD. She didn’t live to see her lifelong dream become fulfilled. The depression that overtook her decided to make that dream never be realized.
All her things that I took from her apartment and kept, they surround me. All at one time, they provide me comfort, and torment me as well. I use her things. I use them in her honor, they provide me comfort, and they provide a great deal of pain. I use her utensils. I’m giving my old ones to my daughter Stephanie. I use her glasses, I threw all my no good glasses I had away. Every time I go to the kitchen I see her toaster, her large utensil holder with the many big type utensils there. Her wooden tea bag box. Her hot tea kettle. I use her nice pots. Her furniture sits in my living room looking beautiful like the beautiful person that picked them out. She’s everywhere and she’s nowhere all at the same time. For all her things give me wonderful memories, they also provide me with the painful reality that she is gone and will use these things never again.
I cannot begin to tell you of the vastness and depth of these experiences. But I will always keep these things because I will never, ever try to eliminate any part of her memory. My memory of her is too precious to me. So I will continue to have these arrows shot into my heart every time I see or use them, until maybe one day it won’t hurt quite so bad. But then again, maybe it always will.