So many things…..

So many things in my life just rub salt into the deep wound in my heart on a daily basis. Just a minute ago, on The Today Show, they had a small segment and introduced a female MD. Every time I see a female MD on TV it makes me cry because my baby will never be an MD. She didn’t live to see her lifelong dream become fulfilled. The depression that overtook her decided to make that dream never be realized.

All her things that I took from her apartment and kept, they surround me. All at one time, they provide me comfort, and torment me as well. I use her things. I use them in her honor, they provide me comfort, and they provide a great deal of pain. I use her utensils. I’m giving my old ones to my daughter Stephanie. I use her glasses, I threw all my no good glasses I had away. Every time I go to the kitchen I see her toaster, her large utensil holder with the many big type utensils there. Her wooden tea bag box. Her hot tea kettle. I use her nice pots. Her furniture sits in my living room looking beautiful like the beautiful person that picked them out. She’s everywhere and she’s nowhere all at the same time. For all her things give me wonderful memories, they also provide me with the painful reality that she is gone and will use these things never again.

I cannot begin to tell you of the vastness and depth of these experiences. But I will always keep these things because I will never, ever try to eliminate any part of her memory. My memory of her is too precious to me. So I will continue to have these arrows shot into my heart every time I see or use them, until maybe one day it won’t hurt quite so bad. But then again, maybe it always will.

About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
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2 Responses to So many things…..

  1. lensgirl53 says:

    “She’s everywhere and she’s nowhere all at the same time.”…well said. There is no where in my house that you can go and not see my son’s smiling face and his drawings. My bedroom is “him” wherever you look. I sleep in his scrubs that he wore to work…he was a nurse and had already bought his books for the next term in college on his way to becoming a Nurse Practitioner. Brandon was a writer and I have everything he has ever written in my closet, under my bed and in my bedside table. I virtually see his dreams that never came to fruition and it tears at my soul. Yes, “he is everywhere and he is nowhere all at the same time”…a heart-wrenching analysis. You have expressed it so very well. I wish you had no idea.


  2. gatito2 says:

    Oh you sound so much like me and experience so much of what I do. I am so very sorry at the loss of your wonderful son. So very sorry.


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