Now it’s the day after Christmas and I feel that the veil of comfort and the shield that protected me from the horror of being totally enveloped in grief has lifted and disintegrated. Back to reality and the missing of Kaitlyn which is something I can never run far enough from. It’s always there. Except I think, when it’s most important, when it can be so horribly tragic and devastating such as this holiday season, I am protected somehow. Just like the dreams I have of Kaitlyn when I need them the most, when I am at the end of my rope, she comes to me with a message of love to get me through. But I guess so much energy cannot be given me at all times. So here I am faced with the day after Christmas, her memories hanging on the tree, pictures of Christmases past when all was wonderful with the world, her life packed up in boxes and in our hearts and its back to reality for me. A beautiful life left undone. All I ever wished for her never to be. What she tried so desperately to achieve in hopes that she could be happy, now gone.
Soon it will be 2014 and good riddance to the most horrible year of my life, 2013. But in moving forward on in time it just takes me farther away from the last time I saw my Kaitlyn alive and that feeling hurts as well.
My life is a rollercoaster that I’m sentenced to for life. But that horror is nothing compared to what my daughter must have suffered.
Sometimes I am struck by the phrase pertaining to me “getting better.” It’s used in terms of when I will get better, don’t I want to get better, don’t you want to move on and live again or things such as that. What the truth is, I don’t even care if I get better…what is “better.” How can one feel “better” with the reality that is. What I focus on is my daughter’s sadness to make her do what she did and that fact breaks my heart into one million pieces and that is what I think about. I don’t even think about me, my future or anything. I know I should. But I don’t. The only thing that would ever come close to helping me is to be able to help prevent suicide in some ongoing, regular fashion. In that way, I might can live again. I would do it for Kaitlyn, I would do it so no one else would ever have to lose their precious life and no loved one would have to endure this hell, and NO parent could have to contemplate the thought that their life as they knew it no longer existed.