Why Do I Do It?

Why do I do it? Why do I do some of the things that I do now that Kaitlyn took her life almost a year ago? Sometimes in looking on WordPress here I go to the “Medical School” search and read about all the medical students’ experiences. It’s “match” time for them now, which is the time the 4th year (and final year of med school) students find out if they will match into the residency of their choice or anywhere near their choice. It’s an excruciatingly stressful time for them in waiting. There is so much happiness and so much disappointment.

I remember learning all about this process from Kaitlyn. I knew nothing of these kinds of things because before she went to medical school, I knew nothing about all these processes. I remember this time last year how she was so excited about some of the people she knew getting the residencies they wanted. She was so happy for them and imagining and hoping that in 2 years she would get the residency that she wanted. She worked so hard studying for the Step One exam, but never lived long enough to know what she made. She had thought she did very well, and as it turned out, she did.

Whenever I slip on over to the medical school blogs I’m filled with ambivalent feelings. I feel good in that it connects me to Kaitlyn in some way because she spent the last 2 years of her life in medical school. She always told me she was “born to be a doctor” and this was what she wanted ever since she was a little girl. But it always makes me feel sad at the same time because though I am happy for all of the medical students that express all their feelings in their blogs that I don’t even know how they have time for, it makes me sad that Kaitlyn will not go through her 3rd year or 4th year of medical school. She will not go through the matching process. She will not graduate Medical School. She will not go through residency. She will not get to fulfill her lifelong dream. She took her life during the time of orientation into her 3rd year of medical school on 4-11-13, almost a year ago. It’s as if it were yesterday.

Though I shouldn’t, I do these things to myself. For good or for bad, sometimes it makes me feel closer to her. I guess that’s why I still do it….once in a while.