I often thought that if I ever lost one of my children, that my suffering would be horrible, but it would be brief because I thought I would just lay down in my bed, never eat or drink again, never bathe or change clothes and just simply die because my world is in my two girls.
However, I have come to the heart wrenching realization that I did get out of bed, I have been able to eat and drink, actually bathe and go through my daily routines. However, this is much worse because I do things all the while as tears and gut wrenching sobs come from the depths of my soul so fiercely that I think my heart will burst from the pain of it all.
Oh Kaitlyn, you knew what great store I set in you and I admired you so greatly, not only because I was your mother, but simply that I admired you as a human being, one of the best I’ve ever known. You were so special. You made me feel like you always enjoyed being with me, talking, and taking in the movies or shopping that we somehow were able to fit in in the brief times you could be home from school and the times we went to see you. What’s more, I know you did enjoy when we were together, because I felt it and knew that you loved me.
My heart is so broken; I just don’t even know where to go from here. I miss you so much, and though I was very much your mother and tried as mothers do to guide you in ways, you were also my friend and we were kindred spirits, as Anne of Green Gables always said. (One of our very favorite movies). But she also said that they were not as hard to find as she once thought, but oh Kaitlyn, they are hard to find.
I find it so difficult to realize you’re not here anymore. You’re not far away in Winston-Salem sitting in your apartment studying; you’re not out running at least every other day because you loved every minute of it. You’re not posting on facebook the miles that you ran on the days you ran. You’re not on facebook voicing the many strong opinions and beliefs that you strongly supported. You’re not sitting on the couch with your cat Gatito purring in your lap. You’re not there walking around Baptist Hospital in your white coat. (in such horrible irony, that is where your body was taken, the very hospital you were to do clinicals in). You’re not watching Netflix and watching Grey’s Anatomy or House anymore in the few moments of free time you had. You’re not there inhabiting that beautiful apartment of yours filled with the things you so carefully chose, and what good tastes you had. You had so many talents. I use to tease you when you were growing up that in heaven, before you were born and they were passing out talents to each individual, you got in more lines than you were supposed to and possibly pushed some people out of line as some people have none. (just a joke I had). And you did, you had so many talents, some were passed down from your grandparents, but Kaitlyn, you were mostly your own self possessing talents that I don’t know where they came from. You were born to be different, to go far and to go far away from here to live your life, and I happily accepted that because I wanted you to fulfill your passion wherever it took you. Perhaps you were too special for this world. When I was always depressed, the prevailing thought in my mind was how hard this world was to live in, and how cruel so many people are. That was my sadness. But Kaitlyn, what was yours? You wrote that you were sad, but HOW were you sad?
I often love to reflect on movies where spirits of loved ones would visit them in their dreams or they would experience some sign of their presence. I would love for that to happen, for I know your spirit is all around me, and I guess that will have to suffice.
I love you so much