It’s Been One Year Today Since Kaitlyn Left This Earth

Though I am going to post this on 4-11-14, the day Kaitlyn died last year, I’m actually starting this writing on 4-10-14. I feel moved to write today, 4-10-14 because exactly one year ago today my daughter Kaitlyn did not go to medical school like she had done since 2011. Instead she stayed out of school and went about the business of doing those things that she had to do before taking her own life the next day.

Today I can’t help but envision all the steps she took that day, the purchasing of items, the writing of many notes, getting an email account that would allow her to write an email today, but have it delivered the next day. I won’t mention the other things I see in my mind that she did as she planned and carried on what she was going to do, because they play over and over in my mind all the time.

This day one year ago, I was blissfully going about my business, thinking Kaitlyn was in orientation for her 3rd year of medical school, having a good time and looking so forward until her clinical rotations would start. I was working and had no clue of what my daughter was actually doing. As close as we were I did not feel in my heart that my daughter was in trouble. All was right with the world, or so I thought.

By 4-10-13 I was really wanting to know how her orientation was going, but I knew she was in orientation so I didn’t call her. But a little after 8:00 a.m. while I was at work, I checked on Facebook and saw that she was online. I thought it odd but messaged her, “hey there!” I got no reply. At 4:30 pm that same day, I messaged her again, “Are you there?” I would never get a reply.

The next day 4-11-13 I continued my normal life, I went to work and thought that Kaitlyn would get up with me when she had time. All that day was normal, except that it was not normal. My Kaitlyn was no longer alive and I didn’t know it. No one did.

The message she sent the apt manager to be delivered to him was not read by him until 4-12-13. He had not even looked at his email on 4-11-13 that had the email she sent him with the heading, “IMPORTANT” on it, that told him that she had taken her life and to please call the authorities. On 4-12-13 after lunch, I received the phone call from the police.

So now today, 4-11-14 makes 1 year that she took her life. It is just past midnight that I write this. This past year has been the worst year of my life. One year later, I still cannot believe that Kaitlyn had suffered all her life and that it was so bad she no longer wanted to live. I know it’s true from her letter and her action, but I still can’t believe that it could be possible.

In this year I’ve cried several oceans of tears and I’ve done nothing but cry and write and talk about her. The only thing constructive I have done is write a book about Kaitlyn and this horrible tragedy that happened to her and to all of us. Somehow, someway this book was published near the time of the one year mark of her death. I did not plan it this way, I had no time frame or any set goal of what date I would finish, it just happened. And I am led to believe by all this just coming together at this time that it was meant to be published now, near the time of the one year mark of her death. I think it was somehow meant for me to not let Kaitlyn’s death be in vain and to write a book that would tell the world what she could not. And all this about the book has kept me very busy this past week and it has helped me get through so far. Because I feel in my heart that I have done something good in her name and in that way, I feel like I have done one good thing this year. I feel like Kaitlyn wrote this book. The words flowed out of my head to my fingers and onto the keyboard of my computer. Kaitlyn’s spirit led me to do what I have done. Her spirit is so strong that it transcends death.

To my Kaitlyn: I miss you beyond what mere words that I could ever express. You presence and just knowing you were in this world lit my life with joy immeasurable. I love you so much Kaitlyn. I miss you so much that I can hardly stand it.

I don’t know what this next year will bring, but I don’t see it being any easier than this first year. It will never be easy Kaitlyn, never. It will forever eat away at my heart and soul, but I know you did not want this, but how could it not be? How could I lose you like this and ever expect to be happy again the way you wanted? It’s not possible. But I don’t really want you to know that. Wherever the paradise is that you so richly deserve, I hope you know nothing of the grief that is left behind. I wish you only happiness that we here on earth have no way to understand how wonderful it is. That is my wish for you.

So I’m writing you this letter letting you know how sad and broken hearted I am, but in the same letter I am saying I hope you know nothing about it. I know that does not make sense. But I really do hope you know nothing about the sadness you left behind.

I’ve done my best to keep you alive all year Kaitlyn. And in my heart, the hearts of those you touched in your life, in this house, and on print, you are still here. But as much as I try to keep you alive, your body does not appear before me. You come to me in dreams and signs, and for that, I am so thankful.

Please be happy wherever your heaven is Kaitlyn, wherever it is, in a different plane of existence, across the cosmos, past the known cosmos, wherever heaven is, my greatest wish, except for wishing you were still here and happy, is to have you happy wherever you are, my dear sweet, wonderful daughter.

Tomorrow, we plant flowers for you, but they will never come close to being as beautiful as you.

Until I see you again,
With all my love,
Momma

one year

Advertisements

About gatito2

My name is Rhonda. I'm a registered nurse, for the last 20 years, that has not been able to work since the day I learned of my daughter's death by suicide 4-12-13. (She actually died 4-11-13 and her body was not found until the 12th) Me and my husband have been married for 32 years and he's a wonderful man. We grieve in different ways. He works, I write. This is my journey through this horrible land of losing a child..
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

29 Responses to It’s Been One Year Today Since Kaitlyn Left This Earth

  1. Uncle Spike says:

    No words to say here Rhonda; just be strong for her and get through today.

    Like

  2. Pingback: REBLOG: It’s Been One Year Today Since Kaitlyn Left This Earth | Uncle Spike's Adventures

  3. jmgoyder says:

    I wish I could describe how my heart goes out to you all, Rhonda. Much love – Julie

    Like

  4. AnnetteM says:

    Came to this from Uncle Spike’s blog. I have no words that could help, but thinking of you all today and sending you much love.
    Annette, Scotland.

    Like

  5. Rip Kaitlyn. I wrote something for her on my page. Hope you’re okay Rhonda x

    Like

  6. The years pass and Kaitlyn will continue to be with you, just not in the way you’d like most of all.

    Like

  7. RIP, beautiful sensitive Kaitlyn. Heartfelt hugs for you, Rhonda. xxx

    Like

  8. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much.

    Like

  9. gatito2 says:

    You are so right….thank you.

    Like

  10. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much. I read it and it was wonderful!!

    Like

  11. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Julie.

    Like

  12. gatito2 says:

    Thank you Uncle Spike.

    Like

  13. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much. I so appreciate your kind words.

    Like

  14. gatito2 says:

    Thank you for sharing this.

    Like

  15. Neal says:

    You’re right. None of this makes sense. You’re right, I hope she can’t see the pain we are in. I miss her so much.

    Like

  16. gatito2 says:

    I do too Neal.

    Like

  17. Uncle Spike says:

    Least I could do.

    Like

  18. I woke up thinking about you and Kaitlyn today. There’s nothing I can say that will ease your pain. Just know you’re in my thoughts.

    Like

  19. gatito2 says:

    Thank you for thinking of us today.

    Like

  20. hyphenfish says:

    Thinking of you today. I hope you are able to find some peace. I am not looking forward to my one year “mark”. Virtual Hugs!!

    Like

  21. gatito2 says:

    Thank you so much. We are going to plant flowers for her today and place spring flowers on her grave.

    Like

  22. Agree, Uncle Spike. Rhonda, I wish for peace for you today.

    Like

  23. Kate says:

    I just wanted to say that I’ve been thinking of you today and this week. A woman in my therapy group lost her son to suicide a year ago this week as well. It’s irrational, but I just feel like April is a sad month. Wishing you whatever peace you can find today and throughout this next year.

    Like

  24. gatito2 says:

    You know, spring is has the most suicides? I did not know that until Kaitlyn died. I would have thought it would have been in the winter. Thank you for thinking of me.

    Like

  25. newbloggycat says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss, Rhonda. May you and your husband find comfort, strength and peace for the days ahead. Take care! Pat

    Like

  26. I could not help but cry reading this. All I can say is I too hope your Kaitlyn has found peace and happiness…

    Like

  27. gatito2 says:

    I do too. Thank you so much.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s